heres a recap the last six poker tournaments i played in

three recent serious money tournaments

chesters last event in their series
thousands on the line
i gambled and got big
then i went after a kid in a wheel chair
i like the gamble
why not get it in when you can?
why not take a shortcut?
but then i got it in my head that i wanted to deal with the kid in the chair
he had an attendant
tiny tyrannasauraus rex like vetigal clawlike hands
open mouth, tiny hippo teeth pointing in interesting new directions
120 buy in, a nice garuntee and an insane structure brought me out of retirement
40 minute levels
i had it on cruise control
avoided the whack jobs for the most part
got real lucky when i turned a set on the river with QQ vs a J hi flop
of course dude flopped a set
some other clown pushed in in
the set of jacks pushed
i had an inside straight draw and what i thought was top pair
i knew i was ahead of obvious move guys push
the second one got me but id put enough in preflop to stay interested and it was time to be done or "get 'em next time"
after the break i was at that typical table full of pros
i was sitting on 4x my origianl stack but there were three decent aggressve pros with 6-7x
all talking nice and playing predictably
big enough stacks to see most flops three ways
nice big c-bets
poker was being played here
tried to set the trap with KK but my prey was warier than bambi after that hunter clipped his ma
i got enough cards to tread water and then decided to push around the patient small stack with a flush draw on the flop and he got stubborn with top pair and the all in guy had AA
my stack was top three at this point and i had them shaking their head
table change
im tilted by 75 pound kids in wheelchairs apparently
he had an attendant who would call out his actions and throw his chips in
i had to be in the top five in stacks at this time and he was clearly number one or two
i wasn't looking forward to spending the next 3 hours with him, staring into his always open mouth
he was playing a really nice LAGGY style
but THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
so i threw patience out the window and went into chip accumulation mode
he had a wood chipper attatchment on his wheelchait and i threw all my lovely chips into it
i really hope he won
i got it in bad after reraising to 5x with K5 off preflop
he had raised 2x
flops all hearts and i hit the five so i figured its worth a shot
him or me
he had called my raise with j3 of hearts and the last heart was not to come

i played six hours of fairly tight poker with a couple "fun" moves
but i gotta find a mental refuge from people tilt
thats my biggest leak i reckon

part 2

headed to Parx to play the thursday night event
popped my cherry there but mad about the hole i dug and my lack of testicular fortitude
there was one of these "stare-y" guys in seat one
an aggressive thinking type
loved his math with his 3x bets preflop, then postflop he would ramp it up to 5x as his standard c-bet with the turn bet always coming out at 10x
he must have read it somewhere
he was big on meaningful looks
and the rest of the table was so tight or soft or so mentally challenged that he was able to build with impunity
i was so freaking card dead that it wasnt funny
i dwindled and dwindled
my moves were being taken away by the meaningful look guy or wild any two dude
when i had something vaguely playable it was always raised or reraised before me
one of those nights i guess
the one hand that i blew a few grand on was versus the meaningful eye contact guy and im pretty sure that he made aq move on my flopped top pair
he bets the flop his usual 5x the blind way and i call as my kicker had issues
i cunningly set a trap for him on later streets
i could taste the victory
the turn brings a second suited card he bets his usual 10x
i channel batman....
"HA HA I HAVE YOU NOW JOKER"
i raise to 20 x
he calls
the river brings the third card of the suit and mr obvious bluff overbets the pot 3k into a 4200-ish pot
my balls are not to be found
im befuddled
i have about 6k in front of me and i cant pull the trigger
i pick up AK and raise to four x hoping to push preflop as im down to half of my starting stack and my "m" is definitely lowercase and not proud at all
one caller to my left we flop two clubs and i cbet,
he reraises about half my stack and im in time to go home mode so i push in
he calls me down with ace nine of clubs
clubless turn and river but i was not fist pumping as both cards paired the board and i realized that god was teaching me something on this fine evening
i thanked him for imparting this life lesson and looked for my next opportunity
blinds were about ten percent of my stack at this point so my 9 10 of hearts looked juicy
in my bb so i called mr meaningful stares preflop raise and banged a ten on the flop
got you now red baron!
he raises, i push, he flips his AA THAT HE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT and THE OTHER GUY just HAD!
he he he
it seems that that end of the table just HAD THE ACES, and were JOKING about how the guy with the dreamy eyes wanted them to move HIS WAY while the other funsters at that end wanted the OPPOSITE, and wanted the aces to move around the table in a counter clockwise rotation!
wow, what an ironic twist of fate that was!
i saltily left the table and started reading my new poker book while waiting for my ride to finish which he did QQ v AA
lessons from this trip:
be patienter early and let the azzclowns do their thing
probably reraise when i hit top pair on a raggy flop and dont set the trap there which wound up trapping myself like a genius on the river
the style of moves that i have require thinking opponents and a better kind of music than the kind that was playing here at parxmy moves are silky and subtle and drive the ladies wild
ive made final tables card dead with these stylish moves, butt knot not against this crew
oh blah de, oh blah da ......

oh almost forgot the funniest part of the evening
playoffs were on tv
total douche-nozzle joins our table
he was from syracuse
isn't that wild?
he pushes the old greek pro dude out of the pot on the river
the old greek pro hammered it preflop then slowed down the hammering when an ace flopped, tried to steal it on the turn and douche-nozzle from syracuse calls on the turn in position
greek pro bets the river like half the pot and the nozzle reraises all in
pro looks disgusted, mucks QQ face up
nozzle flips over his 4's and says i wanted to lose that hand so i could watch the game, im from syracuse, in the kind of voice that makes you want to join a mosque or wear one of those red and white checked tablecloths on your head to rebalance the dynamic of the table
another attention whore with a spotlight!
total evil sterotypical neorotic nebbish
begin rant...

{movie review}
exporting raymond
woody allen was funny 50 years ago when he did it
larry david is hopefully almost done with this worked out mine of humor
but jeez, NO ONE CARES THAT YOU WROTE RAYMOND AND THE RUSSIANS AREN"T AS ATTENTIVE TO DETAILS AS YOU ARE!
end movie review

so he winds up at my buddies table
my buddy had money on syracuse
he tells him theres no way syracuse is covering the three points (one miunte left in the game) and says ill bet you any amount on this!
come one bet me
my dide snaps on him and tells him to shut the EFF up and no one cares you are from syracuse and the floor comes by cuz hes standing and screaming at him and telling him not to say another single word to him
he apologizes to the floor and never seen him this heated
he's one of the highest people i have ever met.
always mr mellow, i call him marsh
he just snapped. something about this kid from syracuse.

my apologies for the slightest whiff of religious intolerance as i may have had one or two bad experiences with women who may share the same beliefs as this gentleman from syracuse was strongly indicating in manner and iinflection.

i in no way meant to indicate that this was the reason i thought he was a douche-nozzle.
douche-nozzles are useful
they provide a better playground experience

part 3

headed to PARX on tuesday was gonna be patient wasnt gonna get tilted by personal details of my opponents was gonna let the game come to me then the deck started hitting me in the face and i left money on the table because i was so tightened up that i began to see ghosts and fear shadows example the guy to my right is a real poker player i can tell by his manner, his actions, his demeanor he joined us and i gave him the lowdown on the table so far two action junkies on the other side had just done this little thing where they raised each other on the flop and turn and then checked the river to each other then they didnt want to show each other their hands the dealer says "just show your hands" niether does this is the longest minute ive ever spent at the poker table both were on missed draws both betting on the come no money shot tho one dude outkicks the other 9 hi beating 7 high dude laffs at this story we get into a pot im the sb so i have to raise he calls from the bb im playing k 6 sooted, i never learn flop is ace hi it goes check check i smell a rat and say "i thought u were gonna bet it for me so i could check raise you" he laffs turn is a six i say the free ride is over he calls and i say "crap yer kicker is probably better than mine" river is a third six i check to him he bets a grand and i just call because im bad at poker and i want him to know just how bad i am he was nice i have lost my edge i stack a clown who is tired of my shennanigans and thinks im pushing him around my head is bruised from how hard the deck is hitting me of course the table breaks my buddy, the highest dude in the world was busted by an asian lady she checked her flopped trips into him twice the turn gave him 2 pair he ships and she slow rolls him so i get moved to her table all buzzing about her prowess and paint a target on her shes a cash game player shes playing alot of hands and busts 2 more people as i lay in wait for her one seat to her left i tighten at the wrong time i decide to respect her thousand buck cbet when her and the other lady seem to have eyes for one another my kicker is too small to face 2 ladies i figure i fold and we all know that was the hand i raise with ak in EP a station with chips calls a shortie pushes i push station gets out of dodge and im up agains a pair of ducks, king in the window, lifes sweet tight old fossil in dollar store reading glasses gets moves to my table i remember him from my previous table didnt play too many hands im feeling froggy and he raises my bb i look at ace nine sooted and decide to see a flop flop is an ace and 2 hearts i check the fossil bets a quarter of the pot im thinking that the nine is surely coming on the turn and call it doesnt then i get the newsflash that he has qq or kk and hes making a move on me its not the obvious value bet that is so often referred to in the literature about optimally playing this game this old fellow is making a move on me so i check again and as he puts in his next 1/'3 of the pot raise i see his hands shaking alzheimers? i call and being a genius when the river comes up a third heart i confidently say all in and push away three hours of hard work he insta calls with the nut flush im so bad at poker im going to go to a neuro linguistic programming conference in a few weeks then i can stop saying things like im bad at poker and do the hellmuthian bit where he stares into the mirror and says im an incredibly fortunate individual and the universe loves me or whatever he says in that utube clip moving forward no bluffing old me no profiling no more flask (the flask of whisley may have factored into my bluff) be patienter work on nero linguistic programming and become the tiger woods of parx 100 dollar tournaments part 4 game at the irish club and free beer its the last week of a ten week series of tournaments im dying to play cards 70 dollar buy in,10 buck bounty, rebuys just playing for the first place one table tourney its calling station city, REBUY there are one or two callers to every all in usually one of the two monsterschtakkens is in there versus whoever is making their stand fours are aces here kj is the new ak im not sure what you are supposed to do in this type of thing except GAMBOOOOL but i have too many good habits theres no use setting up moves tonight because of the four strategic tournament players here -one has second locked up so he went wild and doubled up a luckbox fifteen minutes into the game -the guy with first locked up has tripled up because he has nothing to lose -and the other thinker is trying to limp into third by outlasting the guy they call unk unk only plays aces and is trying to lock up third also the other two stacks were one of the maniac dealers who playes everything and the guy from the circus with the amazingly roomy compact car full of friends in colorful clothing whose clumsiness in their work environment causes almost the same level of hilarity as their cardplay does i bang the flop and he calls my all in with king seven protecting his top pair crushing my kj with a seven on the turn, nice ha-ha-hannd, maaaannn hard to figure out this kinda game which is why i only do it when the gamnbling itch is unbearable but to protect my prickley win at all costs personality i have now devised a new weapon clown-porn stuttering ill say "nice ha ha hannnd mannn" every time i get sucked out on by some clown that should save me valuable mental confidence and secretly degrade the luckbox suckout jerkoff without him knowing that im doing it and perhaps they will also feel sorry for my bogus stuttering affliction and if this means i have to stutter a little here and there in order to set it up so i can GET MY CHARLIE ON and be WINNING then this is what i shall do the cash game was juicy tho the bookie who runs the game and rakes 10% of the first 150 loves to straddle five or make it twenty to go on every hand to keep the pots juicy (its just good business practice) we play 2 3 or four card three being pineapple four being omaha i kinda love the kamikaze nature of omaha i used to put 25 on the .25 cent tables at stars then move on up to 1-2 if the gods were smiling the gods smiled enuf thymes for me to get a coupla checks with commas from the nice people that sponsor negranu anyhoo- omaha is math and i get math so i was mostly folding any but the juciest 2 and three card games, playing suited aces and pairs in pineapple and sandbagging these gambling fools until they had to pop the turn after everyone checked the flop this seemed like cash game heaven to me i got it in with the second best boat against a guy who folded a flopped set in texas hold em to the 2 biggest action junkies at the table who raised and reraised his bet on the flop i knew i was donating because how can you read this kinda person? i knew the poker gods were again jiggling with my funsac so i rebuilt his stack and was only up 50 or so from my original 150 when the straddle and the automatic raise to 20 with six callers ahead of me and holding double suited face cards with all kindsa straights if the flop was right i call flop is two in my suit and a nut straight redraw so i check and it goes 50- pot- call and i repot for the rest of my stack hoping to see the ace or king of my suit and its four of us all in and the loverly diamond hits and im raking it in over the obvious straights and the guy with 2 pair and dreams i rake in 520 as one of the guys was short and lifes good, now i can gamble a little and soon im sitting on 800 and my ride has to go its a 40 dollar cab ride but i think id rather leave the variance to them and apologize as they count out my cash my ride cashed out for 600 and this was only 2.5 hours into the game but after midnite and claiming i care about my job seemed plausible to them 6 oclock comes early but who cares so evenish bankroll wise since the start of this ready to play a tourney a week all summer long just to see if i can figure these poker player people out part 5 hurdle-donkaments solution- clown porn stuttering or skip for juicy cash games i had this circled on my calender pot limit omaha 8 at the borgata on a saturday 15k gteed 230$ what a nitty game 08 is what better place to get back in the groove and maybe cash for a change all i have to do is channel my inner fred sanford and wait for the surf clams to fork over their chip stax 15,000 to start blinds at 25-50 30 minit blinds this could take awhile..... i listen to the chubby john popperish dude in the grateful dead shirt talking to the brassy blond about are ya going to vegas? and howd ya finnish ya wanna do a last longer? and im nauseous but im not gonna people tilt anymore they are nice enough to come down here and give me their hard earned surf clams if i am patient enough and nitty enough to make that happen i remember hating this game the folding of it but love and hate are a fine line and i start remembering some of my favorite hands to play against tables full of nitty nittersons and when we get to the thirty mins before the second break i break out my bluff game these folks had been folding for almost 5 hours straight at this point aggression was the recipe for success it also helped when i got AA23 double sooted and potted pre and post flop and was reraised and wound up splitting the pot but was a great advertisement for me to take 3/4 of the guy from baltimores chips he was here for the race he had his baltimore shirt on he had his program to bet the race better he may as well have painted a target on himself 2 seats behind me the perfect position for my check, pot - repotting strategy i froze like a really cold metaphor hat pulled down to my brow i kinda put him on the flush draw which didnt make it there was no low the board had 8,j,2,10 river q or something gross like that i may have been ahead with trips, but they werent top trips or anything it sure felt like i was bluffing i thought he also may have been foolishly pursuing the low so it was bombs away statue act and it worked so well once, why not try it again on the last hand of the round with air? so i was sitting pretty and chatting up the lovely spanish dealer an hour ago i hit her with a perfect flirt storm along the lines of shes not picking up when im flirting with her, maybe im too subtle and the john poopper dude immediately jumped in with some third grade stuff to teach me how to do it but i caught her peeking at me at the first break so i told her what i thought about her in my country boy in the city about to be eaten up by the bad gamblers bull**** and she was eating it up with a spoon then she was back at my table and started sneezing eyes itching the cat likes to sleep on my laundry and another potential future mrs "thepro" drifted gently down the stream o well so im above average and rolling along like someone had put some molly in my coffee im wearing my nova scotia had and trying to say "oot" alot and "AYE" candinadian tourist on vacation was my cover story i like to role play with my wardrobe in tournaments it seemed that someone was stealing my idea his role was that of a gallic frenchman the kind that ran the hotels in paris during wwII monsuier collaborator was just evil incarnate i kept calling his pot raises while saying, he seems like a pretty nice guy, ill see another card with ya buddy guffaws ensued, perhaps a chortle or two i overheard one of the nittersons say "just get me away from that nova scotia dude hes hitting everything" when the table broke its true that when my stack expands i play up to 75 percent of the hands dealt in omaha but thats not the way to play to win i forgot to switch gears and as the antes went up i made it to 3 tables left before making a couple of basic mistakes after the 4th break it lookeded like i was gonna have to double or go home i flopped two pair checked and reraised all in to a guy who was sure a club was going to come it did, and efficiently but not so dramatically on the turn he faded my four outs and i was heading home my luck wasnt totally bad because i let some ignorant person push by me onto the last seat on the jitny which would up hitting two people as it left the parking lot dude landed on his suitcase hit his head got up WHATTHEFAWKYOODUNE*******? i had a few beers on the bus and watched the waves for a while as someone strangled a cat at the beach bar to the tune of current popular fist pumping anthems hurdle- remember that you can SLOW down too, even if it is less fun headed to chester to try my luck 100 w/ rebuys 2 seats in their 512 satty at stake into big event 20 buck bounties 20 min blinds i try to channel that guy little i bought his professional poker secrets books he says sooted connecters are what the cool kids are doing maybe this is my chance maybe this time my bike wont wind up at the bottom of the pool i played 34d and it flopped open ended A56 rainbow i check theres a 600 chip bet antes were 200 i say "what the hey" and so does one other hearty adventurer flop is a seven and im fta i check he checks original raiser throws in 2k and im all in other caller calls callers gonna call the original raiser hems and haws and it looks like hes trying to do math he calls with A-8 for the 14% shot he may have thought he had a 16%er but i had one of his outs other dude calls all his chips in the third level with 2 pair ok variance blows me out of the water but i had won 100 in the 20 mins b4 the tourney on a cash game so i figured why not rebuy, they are clearly bad poker players and the rest of the tournament is the same sad old refrain i forgot i dont tilt at specific people and i forgot not to target douche-nozzles but more importantly i came to the realization that periods are a waste of time thats one extra key stroke that will eventually fry your comp out fster i need ths 2 lst a lng lng tme so in anothr move 2wards eficiency n brvity il liminate d uneedd lettrs in commn wrds wht a rvelation! ths chngs evrytng thnk u fr bean wht u r bbv u oftn make me chortle and guffaw srry 2 n e adlts who r njoying ths xerciz m really tryn 2 b a dood who plys a few trnamnts well and then just chills im good at chlln im a less than model mplyee one boss told me it looks like you do just enough to get by i took it as praise for my efficiency it apparently was not apparently im supposed to be running some sort of boss centered charity work where i do things without compensation to show them that they can freely take advantage of my good humor as if i were the fat chick with the great personality who everyone loves to hang out with and fool around with but no one asks to the prom or even on a date for that matter what fantasy world do bosses live in? my current boss was ragging at me about leaving early for my second job which he agreed made sense do to the heavy compensation at this second gig then cries every thyme thats why i created my new BOSS MANAGEMENT SYSTEM in it you can turn the tables on your bass and be the boss its simply a matter of dedicated whining, secret sabotage, bawdy wit, 2 am emails to their superiors, and a thorough knowledge of what the employee handbooks says, federal work guidelines and a sense of drama as to when to apply this knowledge to your advantage. the secret is to have witnesses so when you loudly ask the boss did you really just ask me if i ran like a girl in front of witnesses? do you realize that with my long hair i can claim sexual harrassment? are you really that stupid? and then yelling at his boss, ya, your bozo manager is micro managing the only non-union man on the job whop makes 1/3 of what they do, whered he go to business school wharton? that was a fun day ahhhhhhhh fun at work brag- turned a straight like in the j.little book beat- 14% all in caller with A-rag got there variance- im a winner in the workplace part 6