If theres one thing that im sure of
its that the ufos disabled the nukes in the 50's
they still have a vested interest in this genetic experiment that we call life
they aint pulling the plug yet
we are so close to producing exactly what they are looking for
a race of savage, uncurious engines of destruction
locusts
to be dropped behimd enemy lines to ravish thier paradises
join the intergalactic republican army
drive your humvee thru the galaxy
and then there are a few weirdo freaks who just might attain enlightenment
so we are a mixed bag
and one way or another are going to pay dividends
before they discard this petri dish we call earth

Job Excellence, yet again

This is why i never actively chase work

it finds me

and at worst
im helpful
usually im helping write the guide for employee excellence
which is now the title of my latest book
well, one of them anyway

frequent readers will understand that i have about eight projects im working on with different people

anyone of which could soon overwhelm my free time

so it's important for me to maximize my freetime
that way i can jump right in the pool when called upon to do so
instead of asking alot of questions about the water
standing on the sidelines, inactive
jump right in
see what happens
im a man of action
so when the manayunk arts festival needed a bunch of security guards
my name was on the email list
and i was soon donning a florecsent orange vest
and issued a flashlight

heres a tip to bar owners
when its an first round womens soccer qualifying game
and you have people chanting USA USA
there may be some alcohol being abused on your premises
i KNOW it was a slow night
i KNOW they probably said "it's ok we are in the navy"
you may have even been impressed by their drunken respect for authority
it was an act
you bought it
you thought they would calm down....

lets look at who exactly chants USA anyways
its not hipsters, unless as an archly sarcastic visual joke
the kind of performance that loses energy quickly
as they are way too coool for school

how bout wrestling fans who loved to watch hacksaw jim dugan when he would Rassle the iron sheik or abdullah the butcher
Hulk Hogan picked up on this crowd pleaser and became an american icon
add to the list the fans of nascar and drunken football fans

who else?
a comprehensive list would take a few years
if anyone wants to send me some grant money to study these phenomenon and secretly enter the subculture, im listening
a grand a month stipend with recoverable expenses to be haggled over up to 500 dollars
hell if you act within the next few days ill go two months for you
the season is starting up i wont even mention my thoughts about mike vick to keep in character
BUT YOU BETTER ACT NOW

anyway
the chant is associated in the minds of the majority
that this type of nationalistic chant is a prelude to violence
or soon to accompany violence

im sure the calvalry was chanting "USA USA" as they rode into the Native American villages buriung and killing the old, the very young, the sick and slow of foot
women were raped before they were murdered to the same chant

when the same ones chanting now add "EFF U MEHICO" to the list of chants
and they try to enlist the public in chanting it as they walk by
because they smoke and are outlaws banned from proper establishments
banished to the sidewalks
these outlaws are a problem
so when they left the bar
i followed at a discreet distance
easily tracking their noise from behind the row of artist tents full of merchandise that were what they were paying me to watch
i was once again a tool of the man
at least til dawn
the manayunk arts festival has row of tents in the gutter on both sides of the street
i messed up when i left my book in the truck
easy money
just let them see that there's someone watching them
like a hall monitor in a middle school before the thanksgiving break

the patriots were pushing each other around on a handtruck they took from beside a tent and sill chanting
then there was a crash
i started running

i caught up to them but wasnt sure of who to chase
they knew i didnt see anything i was telling that there antics just got them in trouble
yeah we were just hootin n hollerin
for 2 hours, sure thats fine
we do that all of the time here in metropolis and superman doesnt say a word
he joins right in with us sometimes

then a witness is telling me that the guy in the blue shirt ran into a tent with his arms wide
mayhem in his manner
and he would help press charges because of how fucked up it was that he did that

i said this guy in the blue shirt and as i walked towards him his friends told him to run
he was barefoot so even at 280 i was easily pacing him for a block or so until he noticed me back there and accelerated
i saw fellow security guys at the end of the block and yelled blue shirt there blue shirt
they grabbed him easy and were holding him facing the wall as someone called the comps and our supervisor
his friends jogged over and satrted some street side lawyering
you didnt see nothing
what did he do
and hes telling us about being in the navy and being sorry and then they realize that someone called the cops and start telling the guy to run again so he does
this time i pace him from the other side of the tents and wait for him to come my way
turn the corner and boom
rugby high light film
but he tripped
and another security guard put a knee in his back to hold him as i huffed and puffed
and then a fourth security guy stomps him in the head
great
a broad in law school saw it and starts squawking
and suddenlu im the lead attorney ofor hitler in the bizarro universe
where his poison didnt work, it was a roofie, and he was easily captured
im trying to stop a riot before it starts
the law schoool broad is trying to do the opposite
and the corner is filling with drunken idiots with cell phones capturing the moment for posterity
NOW ON YOU TUBE
CLICK HERE

Mr Prosecutor, are you aware that the defendant, mr hitler had a series of terrible breakups with jewish women when he was in his teens?
that he once ALMOST put a little jew cap on his head?
that he sat shiva when her father died?

as i was trying to chill out the lawyer to be i also had to keep the witness around to talk to the cops and direct the search for the vandalized tent that sounded like a drum set being dropped down the stairs
a sustained tinny crashing with thuds and bumps

so im pretty sure i was the best security guard ever
now i can cross that off the list of
"things i wondered if i would do well but would
probably hate to do for more than 20 hours a week"
(even at a high rate of pay)
now with funny links
(links coming soon)

EMPLOYEE ACHIEVEMENT GUIDE, (Excellence Required) or E.A.G.E.R.
this is under the security guard excellence sub head
between nutritional components but after recommended literature

email to the rugbyteam concerning meat raffle tickets

im having an existential crisis about selling these raffle tickets for you guys
im a vegan now
and they seem to be lost

mine are definitely somewhere in my apartment
when i find them ill sell them

even if if its after the raffle
if its after the raffle they beome pure profit

but they will be lots harder to sell
but i will still sell them

on ebay
as valuable collectors items
im brokering a deal with ebay now......
this is assuming i am right about a few things

one the one thing being my fame being right around the corner
ahhh
il always remember you guys fondly....
theres always a beer around here somewhere....
if you need a party locust please invite me out sometime
i guaruntee that i will ravish all applicabe crops

the other thinf im right about is that meatwads brother shoud probably not roll up his seves
it aint intimidating
it was fun working security with him
he was better prepared for a 12 hour shift than i was
i brought energybars
he brought cigars
i brought energy bars
he brought a pint of burbon
i left my dope in the car
he left his credit card on the bar

i might be getting old
he reminds me aot of the type of rugby athlete i played with in college
when we'd break out the case of forties for man of the match
and there may have been some crystal involved at some point in the weekend

my point is rugby is changing
enjoy it while you can still run fast
slow rugby is bad rugby

ill sell those tickets al
but it may not be this week
keep up the humorous emails
peace



“One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.” -Bertrand Russell

--- On Thu, 7/14/11, Al Gary wrote:


From: Al Gary
Subject: One week left, spam (meat) almost finished
To: "Al Gary"
Date: Thursday, July 14, 2011, 1:59 PM


Salutations members and affiliates,

Meat Raffle is in a week!1!

So, there are a couple of new names to add to the ABC group (I hope they like coffee!)

Brian Boyle, James Brunson, Nick Glantz, Walt McNally, Greg Ambrogi, Dave Wolfgang

Now, Dave has by far sold the most (40), but Brian sold his first. Let the discussions continue.


(Only those in the ABC group get two names, everyone else hasn't earned there's yet)
In the - I'm trying to close, but haven't yet... group:
Ryan, Jason, Steve, Bill, Brian, Michael

Then there's everybody else, and these are the people that make me sad:
Joe
Tom
Jack
Chris
Dave
Andrew
Bobby
JC
Kyle
Dylan
Nigel
Michael
Doug *2
Thomas
Anthony
Frank
Gerry (excusable silence, will be there to conduct drawing)
Randy
Aaron
Josh
Harry (yeah, these might just be gone...)

I can understand you not leaping to respond, but your non-participation shall bring shame upon the good family name.

Regards,
Alfred Gary

EUREKA! (Part sic, cont'd)

The Masthead came to me as great ideas always do at four in the morning, sitting up in bed, suddenly sleepless with the racing of the brain and whatnot.

FINAL THOUGHTS-
Just a few loose ends to tie up before we reach the tipping point. Will that tipping point be the seven billionth human being to be born to this world in late OCTOBER? Who will that baby be? Baby seven billion has got to get the kinda media buzz that the friggin octomom got at the very least I would thin. I'm sure some public relations company somewhere is starting to bang the drum on this one.

SO what got the world's laziest writer out of be in the dark this time? The idea that I could generate one dollars worth of words in portable form and sell, sell, sell it to the good people of the city WHO ARE ALREADY CONDITIONED TO OVERPAY FOR A PIECE OF SHIT LIKE THE DAILY NEWS which you read in fifteen minutes on the bus and are left feeling dumber and dissappointed afterwards. Like a blowjob from a crack ho. It seemed like a good idea at the time, then shes gnawing at it and you are bleeding a little and you wonder about blood born illnesses for the rest of your days. Did that hoooker give me AIDS?

But wait. lets not get off track here.
The idea is a solid one, I jus didn't have the content together in a convincing enough manner. Lacked the balls to follow the idea through. Was a pussy, perhaps. Clearly lacking in follow through, butwhat else is new. So this is the manically written blog in which i exhort myself for the thousandth time to complete the damn mission already, to produce an artifact. The artifact you now hold in your hand, an amalgam. A patchwork quilt of whatever is running through my mind at this moment in history, what's pissing off the great intellect from the woods. The shaggy philosopher who sings
(with apologies to rodney king)
"work is for suckers, wont cha all sing my song? Work is for suckers can't we all just get along?"

A definition of terms is in order here. Work is a four letter word for a very good reason. But thats discussed on page three.

The shaggy philosoph from the woods urges you to take a look at you life and to fix the things that you don't like. Life should be fun. It is for Billionaires. It is for those of us in the world lucky enough to be born in a third world country and wondering where our next meal is coming from. Free Hallucinogens, pumped into your brain from goddesses above. You don't need to pay the man sixty bucks for an eighth of mushrooms that some entrepenurial frat boy at Drexel is growing in a dorm room closet. You want to trip? Do it the all natural way, like 2 Billion in the world do each week and start starving yourself to death. It's a fashion statement. You may just get a job as a top model. And I'm told by a crazy lady on my payroll that after the first three days its a breeze.
One of the great benefits to starving to death is that you don't have to wipeyour ass so often because you need to eat to shit. That's alot less shit on your fingers, alot less washing shit off your fingers, alot less smelling your fingers an hour later and still catching a faint whiff of it but being too lazy to do anything about it because the show you are watching on the boob tube is just getting good.....In short, starving to death is a great time saver. And speaking of savings! No more wondering where your paycheck went.y

epiphany

Boxes of doves, turkeys and chickens on the sidewalk appear to be bird condiminiums. Some people demand the freshest meat around, or maybe it's a religious thing. A voodoo outlet. For whatever reason they sit in their cages and shit on the sidewalk and mutter to each other in their bird lingo about this latest development in their lives. Except for the little brown rooster. he cried out at the top of his little bird lungs,
"It's Fucking Murderrrr!"
From the Rite Aid parking lot across the street you stop.
"It's FUcking Murderrrr!"
It can't be.
It sure sounds like that chicken is trying to tel me something. It becomes clearer with each repetition. This bird will not bear mute witness to the eminent mass murder of he and his fellows. He's sounding the alarm. You seem to be the only one to hear his cries for what they are. A miracle.
You refuse the voodoo priest offer to dress the bird and tell him you are od school and would like to do the bird yourself and he smiles knowingly. Soon you are walking down the street with a live rooster in your arms, but the motherfucker has stopped speaking English.
Your cats aren't that happy about your new roommate who attacks you all beaks and claws and fury whenever you ry to boil yourself a hotdog or eat a pepperoni. He starts up again.
"It's Fucking Murderrrr!"
And you get it now and have bean a vegetarian ever since.