Job Excellence, yet again

This is why i never actively chase work

it finds me

and at worst
im helpful
usually im helping write the guide for employee excellence
which is now the title of my latest book
well, one of them anyway

frequent readers will understand that i have about eight projects im working on with different people

anyone of which could soon overwhelm my free time

so it's important for me to maximize my freetime
that way i can jump right in the pool when called upon to do so
instead of asking alot of questions about the water
standing on the sidelines, inactive
jump right in
see what happens
im a man of action
so when the manayunk arts festival needed a bunch of security guards
my name was on the email list
and i was soon donning a florecsent orange vest
and issued a flashlight

heres a tip to bar owners
when its an first round womens soccer qualifying game
and you have people chanting USA USA
there may be some alcohol being abused on your premises
i KNOW it was a slow night
i KNOW they probably said "it's ok we are in the navy"
you may have even been impressed by their drunken respect for authority
it was an act
you bought it
you thought they would calm down....

lets look at who exactly chants USA anyways
its not hipsters, unless as an archly sarcastic visual joke
the kind of performance that loses energy quickly
as they are way too coool for school

how bout wrestling fans who loved to watch hacksaw jim dugan when he would Rassle the iron sheik or abdullah the butcher
Hulk Hogan picked up on this crowd pleaser and became an american icon
add to the list the fans of nascar and drunken football fans

who else?
a comprehensive list would take a few years
if anyone wants to send me some grant money to study these phenomenon and secretly enter the subculture, im listening
a grand a month stipend with recoverable expenses to be haggled over up to 500 dollars
hell if you act within the next few days ill go two months for you
the season is starting up i wont even mention my thoughts about mike vick to keep in character
BUT YOU BETTER ACT NOW

anyway
the chant is associated in the minds of the majority
that this type of nationalistic chant is a prelude to violence
or soon to accompany violence

im sure the calvalry was chanting "USA USA" as they rode into the Native American villages buriung and killing the old, the very young, the sick and slow of foot
women were raped before they were murdered to the same chant

when the same ones chanting now add "EFF U MEHICO" to the list of chants
and they try to enlist the public in chanting it as they walk by
because they smoke and are outlaws banned from proper establishments
banished to the sidewalks
these outlaws are a problem
so when they left the bar
i followed at a discreet distance
easily tracking their noise from behind the row of artist tents full of merchandise that were what they were paying me to watch
i was once again a tool of the man
at least til dawn
the manayunk arts festival has row of tents in the gutter on both sides of the street
i messed up when i left my book in the truck
easy money
just let them see that there's someone watching them
like a hall monitor in a middle school before the thanksgiving break

the patriots were pushing each other around on a handtruck they took from beside a tent and sill chanting
then there was a crash
i started running

i caught up to them but wasnt sure of who to chase
they knew i didnt see anything i was telling that there antics just got them in trouble
yeah we were just hootin n hollerin
for 2 hours, sure thats fine
we do that all of the time here in metropolis and superman doesnt say a word
he joins right in with us sometimes

then a witness is telling me that the guy in the blue shirt ran into a tent with his arms wide
mayhem in his manner
and he would help press charges because of how fucked up it was that he did that

i said this guy in the blue shirt and as i walked towards him his friends told him to run
he was barefoot so even at 280 i was easily pacing him for a block or so until he noticed me back there and accelerated
i saw fellow security guys at the end of the block and yelled blue shirt there blue shirt
they grabbed him easy and were holding him facing the wall as someone called the comps and our supervisor
his friends jogged over and satrted some street side lawyering
you didnt see nothing
what did he do
and hes telling us about being in the navy and being sorry and then they realize that someone called the cops and start telling the guy to run again so he does
this time i pace him from the other side of the tents and wait for him to come my way
turn the corner and boom
rugby high light film
but he tripped
and another security guard put a knee in his back to hold him as i huffed and puffed
and then a fourth security guy stomps him in the head
great
a broad in law school saw it and starts squawking
and suddenlu im the lead attorney ofor hitler in the bizarro universe
where his poison didnt work, it was a roofie, and he was easily captured
im trying to stop a riot before it starts
the law schoool broad is trying to do the opposite
and the corner is filling with drunken idiots with cell phones capturing the moment for posterity
NOW ON YOU TUBE
CLICK HERE

Mr Prosecutor, are you aware that the defendant, mr hitler had a series of terrible breakups with jewish women when he was in his teens?
that he once ALMOST put a little jew cap on his head?
that he sat shiva when her father died?

as i was trying to chill out the lawyer to be i also had to keep the witness around to talk to the cops and direct the search for the vandalized tent that sounded like a drum set being dropped down the stairs
a sustained tinny crashing with thuds and bumps

so im pretty sure i was the best security guard ever
now i can cross that off the list of
"things i wondered if i would do well but would
probably hate to do for more than 20 hours a week"
(even at a high rate of pay)
now with funny links
(links coming soon)

EMPLOYEE ACHIEVEMENT GUIDE, (Excellence Required) or E.A.G.E.R.
this is under the security guard excellence sub head
between nutritional components but after recommended literature