the lover peeks out from under the drawbridge
at first sight, thats alotta troll
a shaggy beast of love
you can see the love if you really look into his eyes
they are still alive with mirth
secretly laughing at an unfunny world
unable, unxilling to put a leash on my joy

in this world we apologize to each other for being happy
sorry for my good mood
whats wrong with her face?
 her eyes they twinkle, her laugh so hearty......

sorry to lower your misery index
if u focus on shit thats what your life is
a shit examiner
thats not my style says harry
strike three the umpire said

ive had all the chances in the world
now its time to just do me
be the best harry i can be
unfettered by the shackles of employment

im the virtual buddha baybee
ill travel the world with my message of love
love is the answer

so the troll pulls his body up from the gulch
using the bridge as a pull up bar, then
 groaning,
 heave-ing one tree trunk thigh up on top of the bank
then the other

deeming it safe to sniff at the air ontop of the bridge
he takes a double nostril full
love was just here!
the faint traces of the sweetest scent of the lands fairest maiden

heavy troll feet become instantly lighter
intoxicated again
he sings a little song
changes the lyrics to show HER influence
and this is from just a whiff

thats why the troll was down there with only the three billy goats gruff for company
commenting to each other about the loveliness on the bridge
afraid to look up, afraid to scare her away with their aching desire

they do a morning mysogenistic radio show from under a bridge
picking a new bridge in a new place
fiding the sexiest bridge in the city
doing a live show from time to time at a strip club
or a golf outing
my job is to bring a van full of smiling dancing women
(who also are poker dealers, bartenders, etc.)

BRING ON THE DANCING GIRLS!
 so five minutes and one cuppa coffee later im starting my new biz

bring on the dancing girls!
im the chafffuer master of ceremonies karoke legend bowling champion dart thrower rugby player
renaissance man
i will bring the party to your place
let my party experts design your perfect time

ill buy a van-
fill it with the makings of a party....
then start doing epic parties
epic party dot com would be SOOO  epic that it would be awesome
yeah talk like the tv..
.talk like a ten yeat old
what are the themes and concepts driving the thinking in this country
demystifying the media
its about access to your kids brains
its about tastemaking

dumpster diving superheros

princesses and vampires and hello kitty and my pretty pony
football and nascar and robots and gardening?

yeah thats the service i provide to the schools////

what is the average ten year olds idea of conversation?

i sense the wall,
i know its back there
as i slowly back towards the door
myself hostage to the world
about to put myself back in the work pool
thats my threat to the world
as i slowly back up
hoping theres a door behind me

nobody move!
no funny busines!s
or ill send out a resume!
i mean it
i really will
with references and recent work history and everything
dont make me do it
just keep calm

made some extra special corn muffins
they are like a time bomb
eat and wait
eat and eat = higher than shit'!

one day of dragon shit
draggin thru shit
the good thing is it used to last months
i may be a little slower today but im going to be back on track
depression or liberation
that is the question
it seems that i chose to wallow yesterday
today i choose to build

i had to get to get lost to find myself
driving thru the country hills
thinking my citified sense of direction would serve me in the boondocks
driving in a nearly perfect circle
i kept seeing a sign that said lobachsville 3
ten minutes later its sill three miles to my left
i began to think it was time to ask for directions
i stop and find out that im 15 miles off course
this time lobachsville is on my right

sometimes you have to get really, really lost to find yourself
i got carried away by a huge wave
the kind that violently somersaults one in the surging surf
gasping for air you try to swim out of waves that are half air
breath shortening you gasp and catch a lungfull of brine
retching now you gasp again and find sweet sweet air
the sea has subsided
you are thirty yards off the coast of lobachsville
but you can finally see it
you can finally paddle with a purpose
paddle with a destination in sight

i once was lost
now im found
lost in the morass of the capitalist nightmare
lost in a vast sea of greed
the general consensus is that you must barter your freedom
that you HAVE to work
because you HAVE to pay rent to live
to pay for the lights
to pay for your foodstuffs
to pay the french translator of you blog a princely sum so that she selects just the right word en francais that means "foodstuffs"  and not "commestibles"

i was lost at a poker table
love was in my kitchen
i was playing cards
when love came to call i was sitting at a table full of men
trying to take their hardearned bloodmoney
olde west stye
i was doc holliday
venus was at my kuchen table enjoying a banana martini
becoming irritated with me and my choices

i was lost
my prioritites were out of whack
i need to be available to venus
thats why im here on this earth
to be available to love when she calls
what kind of moron puts money before love?
that kind of thinking has you dieing alone in a bed
a bed with a matress stuffed with cash
id prefer my matress to be saturated with her sweat
my sweat
the sweet smoothie of our souls
together for moments
together forever
creating a love energy that is visible from space
recent satellite pictures indicate a hurricane of love emerging two miles to the left of lobachsville pennsylvania
residents are urged to take the neccessary precautions
put a bucket out and catch some of the torrential love showers that are forecast for the next thirty to forty years
get your heart kites out for the hundred mile and hour lovewinds
this system will be centered there
two miles to the left of lobachsville
for the forseeable future

time to reassess my gifts
the greatest gift this summer is the sudden gift of time
how do i spend it?
you know there is a finite end to the cash
then a job becomes part of the game
i can chill-ax for at least 2-3 months
and then there may be a huge pop
of i may have to create my own huge pop
get something together already wordwise
i know this is the 392nd time i swore i was going to ficus on my writing
but i mean it this time
its practically independence day
am i independent
i am until sept-oct if i streeeeeeeettcch it
as it stands now
i will count the chickens when they hatch
so now i got to be in miser mode
drinking is for people with jobs and stress
i have neither
i have fresh air
THANK U TREEZ!
i have a taste of love
THANK U SUN!
i got a few buck saved
THANK U FRIENDS WITH JOBS 4 ME!

i dont want to have to ask again
and im running thru all my friends
i know we both mean well in the beginning....
(continuing this friend riff on work 4 suckers blog!)

in the middle of the old learning curve, pokerwise
im not that desperate for $$$
so i play a wilder style
i need to rediscover my inner fred sanfordstein
try getting this from me
but i have a cushion
so im wasting valuable flavor
relearning how important hney is to these humans
so important that they will sit humorlessly at a table full of people
waiting for fate to smile on them
im more of a make your own luck kinda guy
but im down
i need to have some kind of winning session soon
or rethink my summer
this is not a job if its costing me cash
i have a small amount of wiggle room left
got to turn on my money harvesting machine
got to
the alternative is very disturbing
the alternative is work
and while getting over on the boss is fun and all
im done with jobs
i need a career
so i scribble away
and try to steal money from gamblers
thats the summer plan anyway....

updated work4suckers
getting the keys clicking
progress, who knows?
more blather, for sure
better than working, eff suh, to the yessir!

new blog started www.topsecretloveblog.blogspot.com
will also update work4suckers later

got up with the sun
harvested some blackberries
life is good
got an idea of what the famr wants me to do today
as soon as i finish this cuppa joe and these blackberries im gonna get out and do it
gotta beat mr sun to the workplace
hes still hiding behind the treeline now
but hes sending tendrils of liquid lightning thru the leaves
intense he is
my friend mr sun
but he gets my brain cells popping with great ideas every friggin day
he gives the green things what the want
hes a great dude in moderation
hes been a little immoderate all year
summer flowers have all bloomed already
2 months ahead of schedule
they saw the sun at the south pole
you can check the camera feed for it
historically the south pole is dark in june
i saw it ou you tube, so you know its true
so somethings going on
im glad that im not spending the last days of this world working for an asshole
if these are the last days
if thats what mr sun is trying to tell me
if thats all tied into the mayan calender
makes sesne to me

6/17- updated today "summer work","work is 4 suckers www.workis4sucker.blogspot.com "universal love blog" @ www.universallovevibe.blogspot.com "s

i am running the farm for the summer
day one i helped pack up the parents
pack mule style
in typical family traditin i muled the heavy shit and loaded the car without asking what the plan was
just jumping in and getting shit done
the payoff was when my mom was amazed that the dozen bags were already in the car
which my father was unloading
my mom wanted to put a bike and a drum there
wasted energy
this summer is all about efficient use of energy
working smarter
so i jump on the mower and break a belt within 4 minutes of starting
a sign from above that im gonna be doung alot of push mowing this summer
why the hell not
its healther
but we have a shit ton of grass
and assload
and the pool takes about an hour a day
mowing now looks like 5-6 hours a week if im walking
weeding
oboy
hoping to staunch the advance of the green armies at least in some quarters
it will be about establishing a rythym
a dance
efficiency
harness the energy
stay off the internet
watch tv at night when exhausted
daylight hours are work hours
get yourself to the gulag Solzhenitsyn
eat those fossilized fish because the potato water aint nourishing
last chance to evolve before the mayan apocalpsye
may as well go out groovy
as a landscape artiste
as a scribbler of note
as a lovebeast without equal
the goal is to make the ten days im gone in the middle not be the knockout blow of weeds and grass and comeback strong
suns up! what am i doing here?

heres a recap the last six poker tournaments i played in

three recent serious money tournaments

chesters last event in their series
thousands on the line
i gambled and got big
then i went after a kid in a wheel chair
i like the gamble
why not get it in when you can?
why not take a shortcut?
but then i got it in my head that i wanted to deal with the kid in the chair
he had an attendant
tiny tyrannasauraus rex like vetigal clawlike hands
open mouth, tiny hippo teeth pointing in interesting new directions
120 buy in, a nice garuntee and an insane structure brought me out of retirement
40 minute levels
i had it on cruise control
avoided the whack jobs for the most part
got real lucky when i turned a set on the river with QQ vs a J hi flop
of course dude flopped a set
some other clown pushed in in
the set of jacks pushed
i had an inside straight draw and what i thought was top pair
i knew i was ahead of obvious move guys push
the second one got me but id put enough in preflop to stay interested and it was time to be done or "get 'em next time"
after the break i was at that typical table full of pros
i was sitting on 4x my origianl stack but there were three decent aggressve pros with 6-7x
all talking nice and playing predictably
big enough stacks to see most flops three ways
nice big c-bets
poker was being played here
tried to set the trap with KK but my prey was warier than bambi after that hunter clipped his ma
i got enough cards to tread water and then decided to push around the patient small stack with a flush draw on the flop and he got stubborn with top pair and the all in guy had AA
my stack was top three at this point and i had them shaking their head
table change
im tilted by 75 pound kids in wheelchairs apparently
he had an attendant who would call out his actions and throw his chips in
i had to be in the top five in stacks at this time and he was clearly number one or two
i wasn't looking forward to spending the next 3 hours with him, staring into his always open mouth
he was playing a really nice LAGGY style
but THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
so i threw patience out the window and went into chip accumulation mode
he had a wood chipper attatchment on his wheelchait and i threw all my lovely chips into it
i really hope he won
i got it in bad after reraising to 5x with K5 off preflop
he had raised 2x
flops all hearts and i hit the five so i figured its worth a shot
him or me
he had called my raise with j3 of hearts and the last heart was not to come

i played six hours of fairly tight poker with a couple "fun" moves
but i gotta find a mental refuge from people tilt
thats my biggest leak i reckon

part 2

headed to Parx to play the thursday night event
popped my cherry there but mad about the hole i dug and my lack of testicular fortitude
there was one of these "stare-y" guys in seat one
an aggressive thinking type
loved his math with his 3x bets preflop, then postflop he would ramp it up to 5x as his standard c-bet with the turn bet always coming out at 10x
he must have read it somewhere
he was big on meaningful looks
and the rest of the table was so tight or soft or so mentally challenged that he was able to build with impunity
i was so freaking card dead that it wasnt funny
i dwindled and dwindled
my moves were being taken away by the meaningful look guy or wild any two dude
when i had something vaguely playable it was always raised or reraised before me
one of those nights i guess
the one hand that i blew a few grand on was versus the meaningful eye contact guy and im pretty sure that he made aq move on my flopped top pair
he bets the flop his usual 5x the blind way and i call as my kicker had issues
i cunningly set a trap for him on later streets
i could taste the victory
the turn brings a second suited card he bets his usual 10x
i channel batman....
"HA HA I HAVE YOU NOW JOKER"
i raise to 20 x
he calls
the river brings the third card of the suit and mr obvious bluff overbets the pot 3k into a 4200-ish pot
my balls are not to be found
im befuddled
i have about 6k in front of me and i cant pull the trigger
i pick up AK and raise to four x hoping to push preflop as im down to half of my starting stack and my "m" is definitely lowercase and not proud at all
one caller to my left we flop two clubs and i cbet,
he reraises about half my stack and im in time to go home mode so i push in
he calls me down with ace nine of clubs
clubless turn and river but i was not fist pumping as both cards paired the board and i realized that god was teaching me something on this fine evening
i thanked him for imparting this life lesson and looked for my next opportunity
blinds were about ten percent of my stack at this point so my 9 10 of hearts looked juicy
in my bb so i called mr meaningful stares preflop raise and banged a ten on the flop
got you now red baron!
he raises, i push, he flips his AA THAT HE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT and THE OTHER GUY just HAD!
he he he
it seems that that end of the table just HAD THE ACES, and were JOKING about how the guy with the dreamy eyes wanted them to move HIS WAY while the other funsters at that end wanted the OPPOSITE, and wanted the aces to move around the table in a counter clockwise rotation!
wow, what an ironic twist of fate that was!
i saltily left the table and started reading my new poker book while waiting for my ride to finish which he did QQ v AA
lessons from this trip:
be patienter early and let the azzclowns do their thing
probably reraise when i hit top pair on a raggy flop and dont set the trap there which wound up trapping myself like a genius on the river
the style of moves that i have require thinking opponents and a better kind of music than the kind that was playing here at parxmy moves are silky and subtle and drive the ladies wild
ive made final tables card dead with these stylish moves, butt knot not against this crew
oh blah de, oh blah da ......

oh almost forgot the funniest part of the evening
playoffs were on tv
total douche-nozzle joins our table
he was from syracuse
isn't that wild?
he pushes the old greek pro dude out of the pot on the river
the old greek pro hammered it preflop then slowed down the hammering when an ace flopped, tried to steal it on the turn and douche-nozzle from syracuse calls on the turn in position
greek pro bets the river like half the pot and the nozzle reraises all in
pro looks disgusted, mucks QQ face up
nozzle flips over his 4's and says i wanted to lose that hand so i could watch the game, im from syracuse, in the kind of voice that makes you want to join a mosque or wear one of those red and white checked tablecloths on your head to rebalance the dynamic of the table
another attention whore with a spotlight!
total evil sterotypical neorotic nebbish
begin rant...

{movie review}
exporting raymond
woody allen was funny 50 years ago when he did it
larry david is hopefully almost done with this worked out mine of humor
but jeez, NO ONE CARES THAT YOU WROTE RAYMOND AND THE RUSSIANS AREN"T AS ATTENTIVE TO DETAILS AS YOU ARE!
end movie review

so he winds up at my buddies table
my buddy had money on syracuse
he tells him theres no way syracuse is covering the three points (one miunte left in the game) and says ill bet you any amount on this!
come one bet me
my dide snaps on him and tells him to shut the EFF up and no one cares you are from syracuse and the floor comes by cuz hes standing and screaming at him and telling him not to say another single word to him
he apologizes to the floor and never seen him this heated
he's one of the highest people i have ever met.
always mr mellow, i call him marsh
he just snapped. something about this kid from syracuse.

my apologies for the slightest whiff of religious intolerance as i may have had one or two bad experiences with women who may share the same beliefs as this gentleman from syracuse was strongly indicating in manner and iinflection.

i in no way meant to indicate that this was the reason i thought he was a douche-nozzle.
douche-nozzles are useful
they provide a better playground experience

part 3

headed to PARX on tuesday was gonna be patient wasnt gonna get tilted by personal details of my opponents was gonna let the game come to me then the deck started hitting me in the face and i left money on the table because i was so tightened up that i began to see ghosts and fear shadows example the guy to my right is a real poker player i can tell by his manner, his actions, his demeanor he joined us and i gave him the lowdown on the table so far two action junkies on the other side had just done this little thing where they raised each other on the flop and turn and then checked the river to each other then they didnt want to show each other their hands the dealer says "just show your hands" niether does this is the longest minute ive ever spent at the poker table both were on missed draws both betting on the come no money shot tho one dude outkicks the other 9 hi beating 7 high dude laffs at this story we get into a pot im the sb so i have to raise he calls from the bb im playing k 6 sooted, i never learn flop is ace hi it goes check check i smell a rat and say "i thought u were gonna bet it for me so i could check raise you" he laffs turn is a six i say the free ride is over he calls and i say "crap yer kicker is probably better than mine" river is a third six i check to him he bets a grand and i just call because im bad at poker and i want him to know just how bad i am he was nice i have lost my edge i stack a clown who is tired of my shennanigans and thinks im pushing him around my head is bruised from how hard the deck is hitting me of course the table breaks my buddy, the highest dude in the world was busted by an asian lady she checked her flopped trips into him twice the turn gave him 2 pair he ships and she slow rolls him so i get moved to her table all buzzing about her prowess and paint a target on her shes a cash game player shes playing alot of hands and busts 2 more people as i lay in wait for her one seat to her left i tighten at the wrong time i decide to respect her thousand buck cbet when her and the other lady seem to have eyes for one another my kicker is too small to face 2 ladies i figure i fold and we all know that was the hand i raise with ak in EP a station with chips calls a shortie pushes i push station gets out of dodge and im up agains a pair of ducks, king in the window, lifes sweet tight old fossil in dollar store reading glasses gets moves to my table i remember him from my previous table didnt play too many hands im feeling froggy and he raises my bb i look at ace nine sooted and decide to see a flop flop is an ace and 2 hearts i check the fossil bets a quarter of the pot im thinking that the nine is surely coming on the turn and call it doesnt then i get the newsflash that he has qq or kk and hes making a move on me its not the obvious value bet that is so often referred to in the literature about optimally playing this game this old fellow is making a move on me so i check again and as he puts in his next 1/'3 of the pot raise i see his hands shaking alzheimers? i call and being a genius when the river comes up a third heart i confidently say all in and push away three hours of hard work he insta calls with the nut flush im so bad at poker im going to go to a neuro linguistic programming conference in a few weeks then i can stop saying things like im bad at poker and do the hellmuthian bit where he stares into the mirror and says im an incredibly fortunate individual and the universe loves me or whatever he says in that utube clip moving forward no bluffing old me no profiling no more flask (the flask of whisley may have factored into my bluff) be patienter work on nero linguistic programming and become the tiger woods of parx 100 dollar tournaments part 4 game at the irish club and free beer its the last week of a ten week series of tournaments im dying to play cards 70 dollar buy in,10 buck bounty, rebuys just playing for the first place one table tourney its calling station city, REBUY there are one or two callers to every all in usually one of the two monsterschtakkens is in there versus whoever is making their stand fours are aces here kj is the new ak im not sure what you are supposed to do in this type of thing except GAMBOOOOL but i have too many good habits theres no use setting up moves tonight because of the four strategic tournament players here -one has second locked up so he went wild and doubled up a luckbox fifteen minutes into the game -the guy with first locked up has tripled up because he has nothing to lose -and the other thinker is trying to limp into third by outlasting the guy they call unk unk only plays aces and is trying to lock up third also the other two stacks were one of the maniac dealers who playes everything and the guy from the circus with the amazingly roomy compact car full of friends in colorful clothing whose clumsiness in their work environment causes almost the same level of hilarity as their cardplay does i bang the flop and he calls my all in with king seven protecting his top pair crushing my kj with a seven on the turn, nice ha-ha-hannd, maaaannn hard to figure out this kinda game which is why i only do it when the gamnbling itch is unbearable but to protect my prickley win at all costs personality i have now devised a new weapon clown-porn stuttering ill say "nice ha ha hannnd mannn" every time i get sucked out on by some clown that should save me valuable mental confidence and secretly degrade the luckbox suckout jerkoff without him knowing that im doing it and perhaps they will also feel sorry for my bogus stuttering affliction and if this means i have to stutter a little here and there in order to set it up so i can GET MY CHARLIE ON and be WINNING then this is what i shall do the cash game was juicy tho the bookie who runs the game and rakes 10% of the first 150 loves to straddle five or make it twenty to go on every hand to keep the pots juicy (its just good business practice) we play 2 3 or four card three being pineapple four being omaha i kinda love the kamikaze nature of omaha i used to put 25 on the .25 cent tables at stars then move on up to 1-2 if the gods were smiling the gods smiled enuf thymes for me to get a coupla checks with commas from the nice people that sponsor negranu anyhoo- omaha is math and i get math so i was mostly folding any but the juciest 2 and three card games, playing suited aces and pairs in pineapple and sandbagging these gambling fools until they had to pop the turn after everyone checked the flop this seemed like cash game heaven to me i got it in with the second best boat against a guy who folded a flopped set in texas hold em to the 2 biggest action junkies at the table who raised and reraised his bet on the flop i knew i was donating because how can you read this kinda person? i knew the poker gods were again jiggling with my funsac so i rebuilt his stack and was only up 50 or so from my original 150 when the straddle and the automatic raise to 20 with six callers ahead of me and holding double suited face cards with all kindsa straights if the flop was right i call flop is two in my suit and a nut straight redraw so i check and it goes 50- pot- call and i repot for the rest of my stack hoping to see the ace or king of my suit and its four of us all in and the loverly diamond hits and im raking it in over the obvious straights and the guy with 2 pair and dreams i rake in 520 as one of the guys was short and lifes good, now i can gamble a little and soon im sitting on 800 and my ride has to go its a 40 dollar cab ride but i think id rather leave the variance to them and apologize as they count out my cash my ride cashed out for 600 and this was only 2.5 hours into the game but after midnite and claiming i care about my job seemed plausible to them 6 oclock comes early but who cares so evenish bankroll wise since the start of this ready to play a tourney a week all summer long just to see if i can figure these poker player people out part 5 hurdle-donkaments solution- clown porn stuttering or skip for juicy cash games i had this circled on my calender pot limit omaha 8 at the borgata on a saturday 15k gteed 230$ what a nitty game 08 is what better place to get back in the groove and maybe cash for a change all i have to do is channel my inner fred sanford and wait for the surf clams to fork over their chip stax 15,000 to start blinds at 25-50 30 minit blinds this could take awhile..... i listen to the chubby john popperish dude in the grateful dead shirt talking to the brassy blond about are ya going to vegas? and howd ya finnish ya wanna do a last longer? and im nauseous but im not gonna people tilt anymore they are nice enough to come down here and give me their hard earned surf clams if i am patient enough and nitty enough to make that happen i remember hating this game the folding of it but love and hate are a fine line and i start remembering some of my favorite hands to play against tables full of nitty nittersons and when we get to the thirty mins before the second break i break out my bluff game these folks had been folding for almost 5 hours straight at this point aggression was the recipe for success it also helped when i got AA23 double sooted and potted pre and post flop and was reraised and wound up splitting the pot but was a great advertisement for me to take 3/4 of the guy from baltimores chips he was here for the race he had his baltimore shirt on he had his program to bet the race better he may as well have painted a target on himself 2 seats behind me the perfect position for my check, pot - repotting strategy i froze like a really cold metaphor hat pulled down to my brow i kinda put him on the flush draw which didnt make it there was no low the board had 8,j,2,10 river q or something gross like that i may have been ahead with trips, but they werent top trips or anything it sure felt like i was bluffing i thought he also may have been foolishly pursuing the low so it was bombs away statue act and it worked so well once, why not try it again on the last hand of the round with air? so i was sitting pretty and chatting up the lovely spanish dealer an hour ago i hit her with a perfect flirt storm along the lines of shes not picking up when im flirting with her, maybe im too subtle and the john poopper dude immediately jumped in with some third grade stuff to teach me how to do it but i caught her peeking at me at the first break so i told her what i thought about her in my country boy in the city about to be eaten up by the bad gamblers bull**** and she was eating it up with a spoon then she was back at my table and started sneezing eyes itching the cat likes to sleep on my laundry and another potential future mrs "thepro" drifted gently down the stream o well so im above average and rolling along like someone had put some molly in my coffee im wearing my nova scotia had and trying to say "oot" alot and "AYE" candinadian tourist on vacation was my cover story i like to role play with my wardrobe in tournaments it seemed that someone was stealing my idea his role was that of a gallic frenchman the kind that ran the hotels in paris during wwII monsuier collaborator was just evil incarnate i kept calling his pot raises while saying, he seems like a pretty nice guy, ill see another card with ya buddy guffaws ensued, perhaps a chortle or two i overheard one of the nittersons say "just get me away from that nova scotia dude hes hitting everything" when the table broke its true that when my stack expands i play up to 75 percent of the hands dealt in omaha but thats not the way to play to win i forgot to switch gears and as the antes went up i made it to 3 tables left before making a couple of basic mistakes after the 4th break it lookeded like i was gonna have to double or go home i flopped two pair checked and reraised all in to a guy who was sure a club was going to come it did, and efficiently but not so dramatically on the turn he faded my four outs and i was heading home my luck wasnt totally bad because i let some ignorant person push by me onto the last seat on the jitny which would up hitting two people as it left the parking lot dude landed on his suitcase hit his head got up WHATTHEFAWKYOODUNE*******? i had a few beers on the bus and watched the waves for a while as someone strangled a cat at the beach bar to the tune of current popular fist pumping anthems hurdle- remember that you can SLOW down too, even if it is less fun headed to chester to try my luck 100 w/ rebuys 2 seats in their 512 satty at stake into big event 20 buck bounties 20 min blinds i try to channel that guy little i bought his professional poker secrets books he says sooted connecters are what the cool kids are doing maybe this is my chance maybe this time my bike wont wind up at the bottom of the pool i played 34d and it flopped open ended A56 rainbow i check theres a 600 chip bet antes were 200 i say "what the hey" and so does one other hearty adventurer flop is a seven and im fta i check he checks original raiser throws in 2k and im all in other caller calls callers gonna call the original raiser hems and haws and it looks like hes trying to do math he calls with A-8 for the 14% shot he may have thought he had a 16%er but i had one of his outs other dude calls all his chips in the third level with 2 pair ok variance blows me out of the water but i had won 100 in the 20 mins b4 the tourney on a cash game so i figured why not rebuy, they are clearly bad poker players and the rest of the tournament is the same sad old refrain i forgot i dont tilt at specific people and i forgot not to target douche-nozzles but more importantly i came to the realization that periods are a waste of time thats one extra key stroke that will eventually fry your comp out fster i need ths 2 lst a lng lng tme so in anothr move 2wards eficiency n brvity il liminate d uneedd lettrs in commn wrds wht a rvelation! ths chngs evrytng thnk u fr bean wht u r bbv u oftn make me chortle and guffaw srry 2 n e adlts who r njoying ths xerciz m really tryn 2 b a dood who plys a few trnamnts well and then just chills im good at chlln im a less than model mplyee one boss told me it looks like you do just enough to get by i took it as praise for my efficiency it apparently was not apparently im supposed to be running some sort of boss centered charity work where i do things without compensation to show them that they can freely take advantage of my good humor as if i were the fat chick with the great personality who everyone loves to hang out with and fool around with but no one asks to the prom or even on a date for that matter what fantasy world do bosses live in? my current boss was ragging at me about leaving early for my second job which he agreed made sense do to the heavy compensation at this second gig then cries every thyme thats why i created my new BOSS MANAGEMENT SYSTEM in it you can turn the tables on your bass and be the boss its simply a matter of dedicated whining, secret sabotage, bawdy wit, 2 am emails to their superiors, and a thorough knowledge of what the employee handbooks says, federal work guidelines and a sense of drama as to when to apply this knowledge to your advantage. the secret is to have witnesses so when you loudly ask the boss did you really just ask me if i ran like a girl in front of witnesses? do you realize that with my long hair i can claim sexual harrassment? are you really that stupid? and then yelling at his boss, ya, your bozo manager is micro managing the only non-union man on the job whop makes 1/3 of what they do, whered he go to business school wharton? that was a fun day ahhhhhhhh fun at work brag- turned a straight like in the j.little book beat- 14% all in caller with A-rag got there variance- im a winner in the workplace part 6

impulse control
why?
impulses=life
impulses have been good to me
got me here in an improbable steamy summer thing
impluses are the architects of my stress free life stylings
follow them, i did
a world full of triggers
triggering events
impulse resistance is the key
trigger-payday-resist that trigger and the bartender is sad
but you are in some strange city, going native, because you resisted the impulses
so that you could vacation and not resist them
the coke is much better in costa rica anyway...
drinking triggers
defensive drinking
where if i drink up my brothers shit he is less abusive and has to leave the tiny apt
he has to go buy more
i get silence and sometimes he doesnt come back
timing is the thing
we all know im going to quit just about any job i have
its a question of when
stylishly quitting with a pocket full of thousands?
or quit FOREVER?
make this the last job ever
stick thru the shit and start using time better
trade the bar for the laptop
put the money you save in a pile and bang out a win at the card table
put the money to work for you
take advantage of greed fucks bad impulse controls at poker tables
its their own darn fault for sitting at a poker table with someone that looks like me!
impulses got me here
impulses got her pants down
the trick is to follow the true impulses and avoid the marketers, scammers, psychopaths,
saleswomen, pimps, dealers, hustlers, businessmen and their ilk
those who are focussed on my wallet
my heart
trying to reroute my hard labor
trying to control my impulses
trust YOUR impulses
distinguish them thru meditation
right thinking
listen to the sun
dance in the rain
get out of this hellish city for the summer
evolve, love, grow, laugh, create

the sun has spoken to me yet again
filing me with love from above
but too much love turns my skin red then it flakes and falls off
so i hide from the love from above when i can
staying out of the sun
composing new lyrics to popular songs

Gosh, say can you see?
by the dawns early light
the skies are clear blue
til the jests they start streaming
broad stripes short and long
soon turn ioto clouds
what the fuck are they doing
do we E VEN want to know?

do they cut down the glare
from the smart sun up there
keeping us from the truth
from the sun which is streaming?

they were playing rugby in my neighborhood last friday.  my old team.  so i went and did the rugby thing in the rain and then to the launch party of APIARY 4.  where i read a short piece that somehow found print!  heres me dancing with women who are 25 years younger than me. 

i may be going crazy for sure
i noticed kid gloves today
someone talking slowly to me as if i was a retard
or an axe wielding psycho
ive been on the other end of that convo
whatever
im just about done with "humanity" anyway
theres nothing else for me to learn from you fucks
you greed holes
war mongers
ass fuckers
the ass is for poo-ing
not for penises
what is wrong with our society?
oil sucking fuckwads
sky painting cloud making
you better be right mayans
cause this shit is beat
the partys over
turn up the lights
im enjoying the crazy
so fuck everyone

SUNDAY

i made a baby cry with my tribute to whitney houston
i was in the moment
i was entertaining the crowd, i had even sung a police tune,
modified for the baby just a few minutes earlier,
 "the goo goo goo, the gaaa gaa gaa thats all i want to sing to you"
but riffling thru nickis song book whitney's song jumped out at me
and then i realized theres more than 6 words in the song
i really like shouting ANNNNNNNNNNNNND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIi
into the mike
i think thats when the baby left
i belted out those 2 words
nicky was nice enough to sing all the other words
i know the parts i like
and its not always the show stopping parts  ot the songs
its the parts that catch my ear
little word pockets that resonate in my brain
thats the ones i want to sing
so ill work on the medley of my favorite parts of songs
thematically structured
songs i sing in the sun on the railroad
songs i sing in the morning
songs that make work suck less
sexy songs
this will keep me busy at work anyway..

i hope the island is still there more than a metaphor
my mom says its not listed anymore
but it lives on in my head

its all about impulse control for me these days
life is a collection of impulses
synapses firing,
 neurons recieving these bursts of energy and sending them along the way
axons dendrites
alotta shit i know very little about except for the fact thats ITS ELECTRIC
pulses of electricity coursing thru this sack of water
this sack of water that is experiencing this particular slice of the cosmic joke

life equals impulses
control the impulses to control your life
set your destiny
set your sails

in past times when i have a pocket full of loot and a shitty job im moving on
as billy joel sings "if thats moving up then im moooving on"
and "you cant drive a car with a broken back, at least you can polish the fender"

the dalai lama says find joy in every moment
so i sought out to find joy at work
today as i unlocked the door to the breakroom i whistled at the grackle
he lives in a hole in the wall in a space created by our construction team behind some plywood
he popped his head out to see who was talkin grackle this morning
he flew to the wire and looked all around
i whistled again, his head pivoted thusly and so
his partner joined him on the wire and it looked like they excahnged grackle plesantries, beak to beak with little chirps, fluttering next to each other on the wire
i hit him with the secondary grackle greeting
the quick building high note that dies out longer and lower
the grackle started doing his strut thing and started chiping and crackling wings fluffing out proudly almost like one of those breakdance moves where the arms are thrust back and low and the body is thrust forward
i can only do the greetings
im learning the crackles and short chirps but cant do both yet
but damn if that grackle dindt put me in a great mood from then on finding joy at work was easy

Harry Crews is dead
he says 3 hours a day and at the end of the year you have 2 books
Flannery o'connor says to just sit there and wait for it
who knows where it comes from
if im wasting my life working i may as well waste three hours a day writing
if this means i cant squeeze in legendary bouts of drinking then so be it
im not going to be a boring old fuck with a job and a beer gut
not gonna happen

okay its all coming together,
in my head at any rate
ive long suspected that my thinking is too fragmented to plunge forward in any one direction for any concievable length of time
i may be too distracted by shiny bits of paper
or just as my thinking evolves, my direction changes
or i just get bored with rehashing the old
and prefer to make new hash
ive talked my way into a brunch
every week
which should take alot of my creative energy
im really enjoying the singing, but the rough edged fraud act is getting old
i need to polish and perfect
or just mave along
im torn
the stage and the laughter feed the ego
but my ego has already eaten enough
its time to starve the sonuvabitch
too much ego is the problem in the world
as a vehicle for fun i can continue, but it aint about me
im just a dude with word diarrhea
im thankful to the musicians and their hours of practice
and to the gracious host
but its about the fun you can have with words and singing and friends,
nothing else
so i gotta do dome deep thinking about this brunch thing
id loke to let the clown out of the box
but when its time to put him back he turns nasty
hes a whore for the spotlight
ive been a clown for cash before
it comes naturally
so its a fight against my nature to not be a goof
but a fight against my higher aspirations to keep my ego starving
if i can tap the funny bones of strangers, why not?
as long as they understand its somthing that anyone can do
just add a little cannibus
just add a little love
and you can be laughing forever
hell, you might not even need the cannibus after awhile
isnt canabus a great name for a weed themed tour of canada?
someone get marketing on the phone
and get me commercial drivers license
i can drive the bus and give the commentary and if we have a hermetically sealed driving compartment they cant say im too high to drive a busload of stoners on tour thru the hempfields of BC, to the best Blunt and breakfasts in the area
of course the bus is running on french fry oil and doubles as a roving science lab to help kids connect with nature in a fun way.... the hemp tours are a weekend thing for cacdas tourist industry
am i a canadinadian national treasurre yet?
can i move to my island in nova scotia?
or do i need more ideas

im starting my tennis job tomorrow
i may have to quit drinking for a while
not enough time in the day
to do asomething you should do something well
i cant work and work and write and promote and be a drunk
i heroically fought off the hangovers on one job
i dont have the body to fight off a hangover for more than 6 or seven hours a day
certainly not with highschool kids coming after an 8 hour work day
and me having to play a sport with them
after eight hours on my feet
we will be spushing the limits of this body for the next two and a half months
i may need to seroiusly treat this body right
bye by booze
no time for you now!
i got my life to live
tired of my life taking second place on the TO DO LIST

crazy love energy surging thru me
all the darkness in my rearview
this is the highest the roller coaster has ever taken me
ive been amped up for days at a time before
talking way too fast
three four five steps ahead of the conversation
waiting for the world to catch up to my electric thoughts

for days at a time ive done this
and then the crash comes
but this crash is weeks overdue
maybe i turned the corner on the depressed part and now im just manic
or a maniac?

ive found someone that feeds what i need
the gods flesh
the lovestuff
dream enrobed twinkly eyed gorgeousness
her laughter sustains my soul
the taste of her fills my imagination with forever

im grateful to the universe for this gift

third week of "TWISTED...WHORE" was best ever!
we had two ukele's jamming with a mandolin and a promised harmonica solo by the regionally famous ken kweeder!
FUCK YEAH!...the audience wanted more verses!
this is getting crazily fun and its such a rush to be on stage, i can see why people sell their souls to satan now!
every weds in january im writing a song from the stage, some verses are on the link above
i had a chart to aid in the singing along part.....
next week we will vote on verses which sounds better
calling it THE SHAMROCK LOVE SONG
so fucking JAZZED UP BY THIS weird turn of events in my life
this was the first 4 words of a poem i wrote 20 years ago that i was gonna read with others in exchange for beers
dance monkey dance
it somehow turned into a song!

BUKOWSI WAKE - OCCUPY BARSTOOLS
march ninth
Take the day off of work
start the day at con murphies with eggs and irish coffees
use the tactics of the occupy philly people and plan to do fun shit all over the city like taking peoples bars over for a few minutes
like a drunken flash mob
they cant throw us all in jail
plan to demand happy hours at every bar you enter
picket with signs if they don't comply
the drinkers united will never be defeats! compose happy death day song and sing it all around the city
dramatic live reading of script of barfly at fergies pub at 2pm

fun fun fun

making shit happen is the goal this year
im going to collaborate the shit out of 2012 so when the world ends i die with a smile fulfillment on my face

say hi to healthy happy helpful harry

current notions

-instead of taking a the toxic bus i will walk to and from the train station, eventually adding jogging to the mix...leave steeltoes at work, wear comfy shoes.

-fast one day a week

-cut down on happy hour consumption
-move creatively forward, one incremental step a day

someone asked me for a poem and i complied


mid-afternoon
sweetness on the lips
gorgeous chocolate hotties
who seem interested in my story
i admire thier boxes
2 genrations of foxes
3 of us smiling at 3 in the afternoon

for some reason my flirtation is returned
i ignore the warning claxons and speak from my heart
about the ones that got away

a fantastically delicious treat melts on my toungue
the words true love

speaking of love in the chocolate shoppe
im oh so interested in their fine boxes
my buttons pushed
i become an entertainment machine
still adrift, post hurricane on lonely seas
i hear their sirens call
i paddle a little closer to hear the tune
dancing on and with the sea

i have no problem entertaining hotties
i have no problems at all
my life is simple because it's easier that way
not the ease of luxury
the ease of peaceful. harmonious life choices
which i am unafraid to make

there is a harmony in this soon to be closed sweetshop
harmony, dancing eyes, my bouts of shyness, smiles for days
happy is something i do everyday
this borders upon the ecstatic
so many things i could put into their lovely boxes

does talking and reasoning with an insane person put you into danger of going insane yourself?
or is this a vital survival strategy for living in this troubled age of ours?
should i gibber back at the crazy monkey on the bus?
or sit silently and endure the slings and arrows of outrageous ravings?
i can clearly see where these rants begin.
Im a product of this society too, ive ridden alot of the same rides and been exposed to the same interpretations of seminal events in our shared history. I'm sure that the planes that hit the towers were carrying some kind of magical jet fuel that burned a thousand degrees hotter than normal jet fuel, hot enough to melt steel as videos show molten steel flowing just before the collapse.
some of this magic fuel probably spattered onto building seven which accounts for its collapse as well, which didnt look anything like a controlled demolition or insurance fraud.
my bullshit detectors work
but i can see where a batshit crazy person might get their ideas
and i can probably steer the batshit crazy person a little farther into madness if i want to
thats the question that faces all creative people
do you use your powers of creation to make a positive change in the world?
or do you work for the forces of greed, chaos, and evil?
destruction is natural. death is life. we need a little more fear of death in this country. so if i push a psycho a little closer to his final psychotic break from reality, who is really hurt? we can all see that this isnt going to end neatly. why wait for the final shoe to drop from the millipede that lives upstairs. its getting late in the evening. that fucker has already dropped 998 shoes. what would be wrong with helping the last couple drop?
call me your local cut rate kevorkian
if i hear anyone with clearly suicidal ideation
the kind of person that is doing one of these passive aggressive "cries for help"
you know the type, the ones begggin for an intervention
wheres the turkey, i thought it was thanksgiving?
...nope its an intervention
heres your dinner jacket
let me help you tie those sleeves in the back
there you go
so in pahse one of this program i guess the logical step is too start at home and keep a fully stocked liqour cabinet at my apartment
that way if i take in any refugees from the street they can be sure that they can find a nice warm alcoholic coma anytime they want too
yeah
the power of creation
is also the power of destruction
im just helping nature take its course
a little push at the top of the stairs
it will sure look like an accident
thats the key
o my that's terrible
well. we could all see it coming tho
he was in a lot of pain
what a tragic sad case
what a terrible loss
those demons of his sure were hard to drown
now the voices in his head are truly quiet and he can get a much needed rest
he once was a good looking man...
he sure was
remember before he lost his mind?
im tired of living in the past
im a future oriented type of person.....
helping mother nature take her course since 1963

this is clearly a WORK OF FICTION, not the planning phase of any sort of -cide related word, thankyou, the author

I've been updating the ten links ^^^above^^^ and writing on paper.

If theres one thing that im sure of
its that the ufos disabled the nukes in the 50's
they still have a vested interest in this genetic experiment that we call life
they aint pulling the plug yet
we are so close to producing exactly what they are looking for
a race of savage, uncurious engines of destruction
locusts
to be dropped behimd enemy lines to ravish thier paradises
join the intergalactic republican army
drive your humvee thru the galaxy
and then there are a few weirdo freaks who just might attain enlightenment
so we are a mixed bag
and one way or another are going to pay dividends
before they discard this petri dish we call earth

Job Excellence, yet again

This is why i never actively chase work

it finds me

and at worst
im helpful
usually im helping write the guide for employee excellence
which is now the title of my latest book
well, one of them anyway

frequent readers will understand that i have about eight projects im working on with different people

anyone of which could soon overwhelm my free time

so it's important for me to maximize my freetime
that way i can jump right in the pool when called upon to do so
instead of asking alot of questions about the water
standing on the sidelines, inactive
jump right in
see what happens
im a man of action
so when the manayunk arts festival needed a bunch of security guards
my name was on the email list
and i was soon donning a florecsent orange vest
and issued a flashlight

heres a tip to bar owners
when its an first round womens soccer qualifying game
and you have people chanting USA USA
there may be some alcohol being abused on your premises
i KNOW it was a slow night
i KNOW they probably said "it's ok we are in the navy"
you may have even been impressed by their drunken respect for authority
it was an act
you bought it
you thought they would calm down....

lets look at who exactly chants USA anyways
its not hipsters, unless as an archly sarcastic visual joke
the kind of performance that loses energy quickly
as they are way too coool for school

how bout wrestling fans who loved to watch hacksaw jim dugan when he would Rassle the iron sheik or abdullah the butcher
Hulk Hogan picked up on this crowd pleaser and became an american icon
add to the list the fans of nascar and drunken football fans

who else?
a comprehensive list would take a few years
if anyone wants to send me some grant money to study these phenomenon and secretly enter the subculture, im listening
a grand a month stipend with recoverable expenses to be haggled over up to 500 dollars
hell if you act within the next few days ill go two months for you
the season is starting up i wont even mention my thoughts about mike vick to keep in character
BUT YOU BETTER ACT NOW

anyway
the chant is associated in the minds of the majority
that this type of nationalistic chant is a prelude to violence
or soon to accompany violence

im sure the calvalry was chanting "USA USA" as they rode into the Native American villages buriung and killing the old, the very young, the sick and slow of foot
women were raped before they were murdered to the same chant

when the same ones chanting now add "EFF U MEHICO" to the list of chants
and they try to enlist the public in chanting it as they walk by
because they smoke and are outlaws banned from proper establishments
banished to the sidewalks
these outlaws are a problem
so when they left the bar
i followed at a discreet distance
easily tracking their noise from behind the row of artist tents full of merchandise that were what they were paying me to watch
i was once again a tool of the man
at least til dawn
the manayunk arts festival has row of tents in the gutter on both sides of the street
i messed up when i left my book in the truck
easy money
just let them see that there's someone watching them
like a hall monitor in a middle school before the thanksgiving break

the patriots were pushing each other around on a handtruck they took from beside a tent and sill chanting
then there was a crash
i started running

i caught up to them but wasnt sure of who to chase
they knew i didnt see anything i was telling that there antics just got them in trouble
yeah we were just hootin n hollerin
for 2 hours, sure thats fine
we do that all of the time here in metropolis and superman doesnt say a word
he joins right in with us sometimes

then a witness is telling me that the guy in the blue shirt ran into a tent with his arms wide
mayhem in his manner
and he would help press charges because of how fucked up it was that he did that

i said this guy in the blue shirt and as i walked towards him his friends told him to run
he was barefoot so even at 280 i was easily pacing him for a block or so until he noticed me back there and accelerated
i saw fellow security guys at the end of the block and yelled blue shirt there blue shirt
they grabbed him easy and were holding him facing the wall as someone called the comps and our supervisor
his friends jogged over and satrted some street side lawyering
you didnt see nothing
what did he do
and hes telling us about being in the navy and being sorry and then they realize that someone called the cops and start telling the guy to run again so he does
this time i pace him from the other side of the tents and wait for him to come my way
turn the corner and boom
rugby high light film
but he tripped
and another security guard put a knee in his back to hold him as i huffed and puffed
and then a fourth security guy stomps him in the head
great
a broad in law school saw it and starts squawking
and suddenlu im the lead attorney ofor hitler in the bizarro universe
where his poison didnt work, it was a roofie, and he was easily captured
im trying to stop a riot before it starts
the law schoool broad is trying to do the opposite
and the corner is filling with drunken idiots with cell phones capturing the moment for posterity
NOW ON YOU TUBE
CLICK HERE

Mr Prosecutor, are you aware that the defendant, mr hitler had a series of terrible breakups with jewish women when he was in his teens?
that he once ALMOST put a little jew cap on his head?
that he sat shiva when her father died?

as i was trying to chill out the lawyer to be i also had to keep the witness around to talk to the cops and direct the search for the vandalized tent that sounded like a drum set being dropped down the stairs
a sustained tinny crashing with thuds and bumps

so im pretty sure i was the best security guard ever
now i can cross that off the list of
"things i wondered if i would do well but would
probably hate to do for more than 20 hours a week"
(even at a high rate of pay)
now with funny links
(links coming soon)

EMPLOYEE ACHIEVEMENT GUIDE, (Excellence Required) or E.A.G.E.R.
this is under the security guard excellence sub head
between nutritional components but after recommended literature

email to the rugbyteam concerning meat raffle tickets

im having an existential crisis about selling these raffle tickets for you guys
im a vegan now
and they seem to be lost

mine are definitely somewhere in my apartment
when i find them ill sell them

even if if its after the raffle
if its after the raffle they beome pure profit

but they will be lots harder to sell
but i will still sell them

on ebay
as valuable collectors items
im brokering a deal with ebay now......
this is assuming i am right about a few things

one the one thing being my fame being right around the corner
ahhh
il always remember you guys fondly....
theres always a beer around here somewhere....
if you need a party locust please invite me out sometime
i guaruntee that i will ravish all applicabe crops

the other thinf im right about is that meatwads brother shoud probably not roll up his seves
it aint intimidating
it was fun working security with him
he was better prepared for a 12 hour shift than i was
i brought energybars
he brought cigars
i brought energy bars
he brought a pint of burbon
i left my dope in the car
he left his credit card on the bar

i might be getting old
he reminds me aot of the type of rugby athlete i played with in college
when we'd break out the case of forties for man of the match
and there may have been some crystal involved at some point in the weekend

my point is rugby is changing
enjoy it while you can still run fast
slow rugby is bad rugby

ill sell those tickets al
but it may not be this week
keep up the humorous emails
peace



“One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.” -Bertrand Russell

--- On Thu, 7/14/11, Al Gary wrote:


From: Al Gary
Subject: One week left, spam (meat) almost finished
To: "Al Gary"
Date: Thursday, July 14, 2011, 1:59 PM


Salutations members and affiliates,

Meat Raffle is in a week!1!

So, there are a couple of new names to add to the ABC group (I hope they like coffee!)

Brian Boyle, James Brunson, Nick Glantz, Walt McNally, Greg Ambrogi, Dave Wolfgang

Now, Dave has by far sold the most (40), but Brian sold his first. Let the discussions continue.


(Only those in the ABC group get two names, everyone else hasn't earned there's yet)
In the - I'm trying to close, but haven't yet... group:
Ryan, Jason, Steve, Bill, Brian, Michael

Then there's everybody else, and these are the people that make me sad:
Joe
Tom
Jack
Chris
Dave
Andrew
Bobby
JC
Kyle
Dylan
Nigel
Michael
Doug *2
Thomas
Anthony
Frank
Gerry (excusable silence, will be there to conduct drawing)
Randy
Aaron
Josh
Harry (yeah, these might just be gone...)

I can understand you not leaping to respond, but your non-participation shall bring shame upon the good family name.

Regards,
Alfred Gary

EUREKA! (Part sic, cont'd)

The Masthead came to me as great ideas always do at four in the morning, sitting up in bed, suddenly sleepless with the racing of the brain and whatnot.

FINAL THOUGHTS-
Just a few loose ends to tie up before we reach the tipping point. Will that tipping point be the seven billionth human being to be born to this world in late OCTOBER? Who will that baby be? Baby seven billion has got to get the kinda media buzz that the friggin octomom got at the very least I would thin. I'm sure some public relations company somewhere is starting to bang the drum on this one.

SO what got the world's laziest writer out of be in the dark this time? The idea that I could generate one dollars worth of words in portable form and sell, sell, sell it to the good people of the city WHO ARE ALREADY CONDITIONED TO OVERPAY FOR A PIECE OF SHIT LIKE THE DAILY NEWS which you read in fifteen minutes on the bus and are left feeling dumber and dissappointed afterwards. Like a blowjob from a crack ho. It seemed like a good idea at the time, then shes gnawing at it and you are bleeding a little and you wonder about blood born illnesses for the rest of your days. Did that hoooker give me AIDS?

But wait. lets not get off track here.
The idea is a solid one, I jus didn't have the content together in a convincing enough manner. Lacked the balls to follow the idea through. Was a pussy, perhaps. Clearly lacking in follow through, butwhat else is new. So this is the manically written blog in which i exhort myself for the thousandth time to complete the damn mission already, to produce an artifact. The artifact you now hold in your hand, an amalgam. A patchwork quilt of whatever is running through my mind at this moment in history, what's pissing off the great intellect from the woods. The shaggy philosopher who sings
(with apologies to rodney king)
"work is for suckers, wont cha all sing my song? Work is for suckers can't we all just get along?"

A definition of terms is in order here. Work is a four letter word for a very good reason. But thats discussed on page three.

The shaggy philosoph from the woods urges you to take a look at you life and to fix the things that you don't like. Life should be fun. It is for Billionaires. It is for those of us in the world lucky enough to be born in a third world country and wondering where our next meal is coming from. Free Hallucinogens, pumped into your brain from goddesses above. You don't need to pay the man sixty bucks for an eighth of mushrooms that some entrepenurial frat boy at Drexel is growing in a dorm room closet. You want to trip? Do it the all natural way, like 2 Billion in the world do each week and start starving yourself to death. It's a fashion statement. You may just get a job as a top model. And I'm told by a crazy lady on my payroll that after the first three days its a breeze.
One of the great benefits to starving to death is that you don't have to wipeyour ass so often because you need to eat to shit. That's alot less shit on your fingers, alot less washing shit off your fingers, alot less smelling your fingers an hour later and still catching a faint whiff of it but being too lazy to do anything about it because the show you are watching on the boob tube is just getting good.....In short, starving to death is a great time saver. And speaking of savings! No more wondering where your paycheck went.y

epiphany

Boxes of doves, turkeys and chickens on the sidewalk appear to be bird condiminiums. Some people demand the freshest meat around, or maybe it's a religious thing. A voodoo outlet. For whatever reason they sit in their cages and shit on the sidewalk and mutter to each other in their bird lingo about this latest development in their lives. Except for the little brown rooster. he cried out at the top of his little bird lungs,
"It's Fucking Murderrrr!"
From the Rite Aid parking lot across the street you stop.
"It's FUcking Murderrrr!"
It can't be.
It sure sounds like that chicken is trying to tel me something. It becomes clearer with each repetition. This bird will not bear mute witness to the eminent mass murder of he and his fellows. He's sounding the alarm. You seem to be the only one to hear his cries for what they are. A miracle.
You refuse the voodoo priest offer to dress the bird and tell him you are od school and would like to do the bird yourself and he smiles knowingly. Soon you are walking down the street with a live rooster in your arms, but the motherfucker has stopped speaking English.
Your cats aren't that happy about your new roommate who attacks you all beaks and claws and fury whenever you ry to boil yourself a hotdog or eat a pepperoni. He starts up again.
"It's Fucking Murderrrr!"
And you get it now and have bean a vegetarian ever since.

zen laziness
laZENess
somewhere between contemplation
and spiritual emptiness
going with the flow
following the guidance of an unseen hand
resisting the impulses of the programmers
the warlords and soap merchants
as refreshing as it is the the secretary of state says that all governments lie
his candor wasn't news
the statement made barely a ripple
a blip, a blurb, a hiccup of truth
the truth is the best fiction
all governments lie, spake the high-ranking government official
did you check the rankings today?
you are up five points on the most important metric of them all
a mention on the worlds most important blog
the liar tells the truth at times to add credulity to his obvious untruths
verbal tae kwon do
like the catbird in the dogwood tree
which seems to speak all known bird languages
one right after the other

"parlez vous hussein
de nada
meow
shadenfruede
nom yoho rhenge kyo"
he posits
from the half dead ash
having had to reposition himself when a wren alighted near his perch
he's got important unmessages to relay
from the univeral unconciousness
waves of sound which counteract the hum from the idiot box
which defragment the interweb
establishing neural connections for those who can still hear
and this is how i spend my days
just listening
sipping on my nettle tea concoction
a liquid fast
nutrients from nature
indian tea plant, 2 varieties of mint
ill add some feverfew flowers into todays batch
maybe a handful of mulberries
turn this damn machine off and grab a book and some shade
swim some laps
and listen to nature

laZEN-ness
thoughts going where they may
no agenda
dealing with my gurgling stomach as i try this weirdo cleansing ritual
food fast
media fast
empty this vessel
change the fluids
change the inputs
breathe in
breathe out
go looking for the turkey later
the one that was following me around
the one that seemed unafraid of my mother as she tried to shoo him from the tomato plants
walking just out of reach
one turkey step away
muttering turkey thoughts under it breath
annoyed to be shooed away from the tasty baby lettuces

i was never the most graceful of dancers.
my enthusiasm was never in question,
energy levels as high as any in the room
grace, no
semi-coordianted i do well with accomplished dancers
ones who will mimic my pseudo-moves
my half-assed cabbage patch, driving the bus, shopping for groceries, bass masters, and of course the twist
but lately my shoes have been even more leaden
so i had to make a move and install dietary and lifestyle controls for the first time in months.
i alwaus seem to quit drinking in the summer
a nice echo from the summer of rugby
where i stopped drinking in april to get ready for summer rugby sevens and i was never faster or more clearly an athletic beast
a love machine
a force of nature
now just something i say to people who dare poke the tiger
now way in the past
15 years ago
dayum
im definitely past my prime
but im not happy with being part of Fat Nation
one transfat
under goo
with licorice
and fudge cake
for all of us

my transfat tis of the
sweet toothed O- Bes- it - teee
of thee i sing
land where the lard has fried
land of the chili fries
for every pancake fried
oooo- beeees -iitttt --teeeee

so thats the third musical number
the rest writes itself....

listening to some ludwig van and the melody is the same as a video game
his 2nd symphony in d major
and the game eludes me
gotta scour the web
those notes react with my dna
they reprogram my mind
recalibrating beauty awarness circutry
life seems less loathesome somehow...

me without a job is a happy me
so to stay happy watch how i cut my expenses
gonna live on my nut this time
new booze mantra

whats the relationship of booze and me?
if the booze ain't free, den none for me!

i will never buy a drink again
unless its out of my poetry fund
to celebrate achievements i may buy a drink or too
but they must truly be mighty achievements

THIS DOES NOT QUALIFY
i didnt drink before noon today!
ill drink to that, 3p.m.

try to go a week
resist the lure of sweet, sweet alcoholic oblivion
if i can go a week then ill plan when to celebrate that feat.

write a budget
stick to it
profit cosmically

ima just do me for a little while

i will come out of the wild once a week
the pikeville sasquatch has been reported to have been seen today in south philadelphia
this shaggy beast is known as the most insteresting caveman the world
if you see him buy him a beer
and tell him to get a haircut
this is the ad campaign i will do
just get me a camera and an agent
ill do the rest

im the missing link
im the next step of evolution

women flock to me
to try to get down on this obviously top notch proto-human missing link hybrid space alien dna having, rugby playing asshole writing mofo and gilf loving bro that youve ever seen
a spaceman fucked my mom at a concert
but they lost track of me......

my mom aborted me partially which took out the tracking device
when the hanger skinned my brain
as my dad frantically screamed not again you butchrr not again
before tackling my mom and knocking the hanger out of her hand as she stands in the bathoom foot up on the rim standing over a mirror and doing the home abortion kit

but i digress.....

women sense this champion jism and i have to stay on the run
sometimes im spotted in pikeville
sometimes in the woods somewhere
crossing the candian border at will
blending in the jungle like the predator

so i may show up in your town
bring your funloving grandmothers
im the host of the gameshow
AMERICAS HOTTEST GILF
hosted by that intergalactic fugitive saquatch version of
dr, richard kimball
welcome ot another worlds hottest GILG
i am your horny host and granny loving asshole
sasquatch bakeowski
my freinds call me sass
you can call me mr bakeowski

yeah i just give this shit away for free
hire me to write the rest of this shit
copius quantities of words congregate and collaborate to improve the word environment in your area
i will de- lullaby your lesson plans
i will defunkify your attractive grandmothers
im a helpful guy

The next exciting issue of Bloated Aging Asskicker is in the final stages of preproduction.
This Mission Statement officially commences the assembly of elders.
The Neanderthal Aging Asshole Communist Party.
We're Neanderthals, we are old, we share our talents with you.
This is the online edition.
This month in BAA history we have "don fucking juan" turning 4o and celebrating said event with a musical happening at the Barbary I think? I'll try to remember to look it up on the facebook device. Aging asskickers are suprisingly connected, though few twitter as of this writing. june 21st. two hardcore acts. photo shoot for aging asskicker magazine issue two, photos from this party, stories of the best after party, best after after party and you get the idea.http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=176491662404428&set=a.102856869767908.6102.100001307864024&type=1&theater

ok so i am behind schedule a little
but you dont rush art
ha ha ha ha ha

a hard deadline draws nigh
the end of the world
i got a pamphlet the other day
saying it was going to end may 25th or something?
proven in the bible
so if im going to get this shit done its gotta be soon
the current idea involves nesting covers
if im gonna sell shit on ths street i guess it wold be smart to have a few angles to work
one will of course be the end of the world angle
end of the world survival guide
recipies for the end of the world
25 ways to prepare cockroaches and jelly fish
rat sashimi recipies using native herbs
i keep thinking it writes itself, but it isn't
the thoughtstreams have been trickling though
maybe if i really am able to get my shit together i can have a second cover about the kentucky derby and gambling in general
theres a nice hard deadline, may 7th
only three weeks after the original deadline......

far enough in the future to be a possibility

time to stop talking shit and be productive
ahh.......... this old song,
i love this song,
the song of future progress
the song of accopmlishment at some later date in the future
time to get to it
the nabe has a printer that he says i can use...so id need to print up three pages a day to be ready by next monday to head over to the printer.....
i guess i have to call the printer and see if bartering is a possibility
Somewhere in PRINCETON

its serious time here at the worlds most important blog.
Im so "about business" that I will share with you, the gentle reader, the last cover letter I will ever need to write. I'm sure to find a job offer in my email box withing minutes, and my whole life will change.
There's an entertainment company that needs my services. I'm pretty sure from the vague way they described themselves that it is some sort of scam. especially the part about me having my own office. maybe its porn related, who knows? If it is the scammy kind of shit show i imagine it to be then I think ill take the job for purely comic reasons.

see now, THERES A REASON TO WORK, for the comedy of it.

im not motivated much by money, but humor is a motivator fo sho... so heres how my new relationship with work will start
i answered the criagslist ad with this sure fire winner of a cover letter. im probably going to be put in charge of this place rather quickly....

Hey-
I can sell anything. Your ad was just vague enough to spark my imagination. If you decide to hire me you are gettin an idea man. You are gettng an aging rock star, you are getting what used to be the main attraction who is now aging very well and still remarkably spry for someone that played rugby for over 20 years.
I was also a school teacher in the inner city and i was a bad ass at that job. Concurrent with the rugby, but prior to teaching I was a hot shot TGIF bartender who always had the whole bar cracking up because when the spotlight finds me I offer fine comedic value playing to the exact and specific funny bones of whomever my audience might be that evening.
I have been around the block long enough to be able to make a conection with just about any random stranger off the street which should prove a great asset for the many closings I will be doing in my very own office. Be warned that I will probably have sensational ideas about future events and maybe even enough talent to propose new and diferent ventures which your entertainment company can additionally profit from.
Enough about me. Why do I want to work for you? Who are you and what do you do? Try and get me excited about working for you and if you are successful your only problem after hiring me will be how to spend the enormus piles of revenue a true performance minded barabarian like myself can generate.
Thanks and have a nice day, I always do!

Resume and references upon request.

going to start pecking away at a new project on the side
when april 15th comes about i hope to have a little newspaper together
some resume type shit
you want a writer, heres what i do
sometimes with PUNKtuation
usually not
I AINT NO PUNK BITCH
rules of writing are not my bosses
clarity of thought is
i think more clearly when i just let the shit flow
if you see punctuation im probably editing
editing is work
work is for suckers
do you get me yet?

i do enjoy a comma or two tho
here and there

i was recently quizzed about my motivations by my lover
i was stuck
i have no idea why i act the way i do
i just follow the path of least resistance i guess
is that some kind of particle?
the least charged particle there
the whatever particle

she asks.....barely pausing between qustions

what makes me so angry all the time?
why do you feel that way?
i answer
questions about my feelings make me angry
they make me angry because i dont know why im so angry but i know that constant questioning about my motives makes me a litttle angrier every time

then shes probing into my feelings about my family
im prety sure everyone has them
but im not into therapy
ive never been in anaylsis
im evasive and i can see
"the waterboard" look in her
eyes
shes getting ready to blow
and another argument ends
me successfully lobbing in a grenade or two and then stonewalling
her trying to even the score and then pulling out historical references of the evils in harrys past
hey, gues what?
if your style of fighting is to dredge up the past
the less you know about mine, the less ammuntion you will have and the less damage you can do when you decide its time to hit me in the privates again
i dont care if you and your brothers fought loud and dirty
im not them
im embarrassed by loud and dirty
i think its a clumsy way to fight
my mom and dad fought that way over the last of the bottle of wine

i like logical arguments
formalized debate team stuff

i will futher show your behavior can quantifiably be characterized as inentionally
cunty with clouds of ignorant protestations


ill try this half planned writing madness

drops of blood on the sidewalk tell me im getting close to home
they spatter southwards
a droplet, ten paces,a medium droplet, twelve more, solar system, repeat
someone from my hood got socked in the jaw
i follow the trail for 7 or 8 blocks and i wonder
did my brother finally say what hes been thinking?
did he share with fellow bus passengers his unique world view?
did the patented crazy smile technique backfire?
..........a flash of true crazy.............
the technique, that instead of backing someone up,
enabled their own insanity?
a combustible cocktail of craziness that ignited on the 57?
we need bus bouncers
people to uphold civility
like sky marshalls
not on every bus
just enough that people get kicked of the bus for being aholes
especially when the schools let out
someone call obama
make the jerks walk off their adolescent energy

heading out into the world again to bring some beauty and humor to my fellow man
i am a giver
feb 13th, valentines eve, im going to read some 20 year old poems of heartwrenching poignancy
i talked a folk singer into coming
she may soon regret talking to me
she may also think its a blast
we may even show some of the grammies if some music head show up
im gonna do a little standup
i invited some other readers
we will see what happens
and people say i should get a job
pshaw
im probably going on the street for the money to publish this website into something you could read on the crapper
and sell it on the street as planned
if i borrow 300 bucks i pay back 39 a week for ten weeks
i gotta try to get the cost to 300 bucks and this is a GO BAYBEE GO
woohoo spring is coming
game on
the blarney is the site of the poetry between 3rd and 4th on south
we should start around nine

३० rock

they seem to have a whole lot of producers on this show. a few with very interesting foreign names. if i understand it correctly the executive producer is a cat with some cash who pays for things, theres a couple of them here. some of the rest of the producers are people who are padding their resume with production credits like alec baldwin is doing. the rest? who knows? i did notice an agenda tho. it seems to me that NBC is trying to make sure Hindus are well represented in their sit coms this year. I may have missed a story line or two, but jacks secretary is on and now the guys in the microwave lab. the hilarious hindus in the microwave lab that are too smart or busy or racist to talk to jack. and the racism is later laffed off when the delivery boy loks just like jack. subtle contextual message to leroy from podunk, don't get mad at the hindu who is rude to you. they are all incredibly smart and busy and you may llok like their delivery man. and they are funny too. just look at the hilarious goings on in bhopal where they have utsourced the novelty gag gift business. oh the hilarity jerome. your future wasnt in fake vomit anyway. tell leroy to put the shotgun down. these hindu fellers are funny fucks. at least one of the producers has a hindi name.....
probably just a coincidence
unless the hindi slavemasters (who at one time produced finely woven persian rugs with child laboer until the children went blind.) unless these titans of hindustry who then turned the blind kids into beggars or telemarketers for fortune 500 companies who save so much money by not paying americans
these titans of hindustry can invest in their own rigged stockmarket, they know, they do the rigging, so they buy a fine company like NBC who is in the bomb making business which will never go out of style as long as there are civilian populations to keep in line...
it only makes sense that owners then demand some representation in programming so that when they come over here to evict the now broke jeromes and leroys of the world the jeromes and leroys of the world have some sort of positive association by humor that these guys are funny fuckers like that tv show and they are ok....
this is why im calling for a new racist term
for capitalists
because capital is the problem
meet the new boss, same as the old boss, greedy and acquisitive.
yeah the type who think "i want more pictures of dead slaveowners in my pocket
that will make me the clear winner."
while, in actuality, it just makes you a bigger asshole
definition:
asshole- noun;anyone with a million dollars in the bank.

grapefruit

she had a tumor the size of a large piece of fruit within her womb
super mommy was soon out of the breeding end of things
she of the haunted house and of mtv
im not sure if she did a haunted house program for them or if she just did it all
she knows how to drop a name
shes very good at what she does
eveyone feels welcome in big mommas house
the world lost a bartending icon when big momma had to retire from the brunch biz
a few things i noticed from my visit to the haunted hospital
she was all stitched up
throbbing pain with every heartbeat
morphine derivatives making her itchy
her crazy namesake had already entreated her not to forget to complain about how weak the painmeds were....
to set the stage for more powerful prescriptions at the hospital checkout intervies....
her neighbors in the room were from asia somewhere
one of those places where it always sounds like someones choking on some phlegm when they are speaking to each other
they had a picnic nextdoor and brought their own dishes and silverware from home and used big mommas trashcan to clear thier plates
on her side of the curtain
four five visitors
each clearing a plate
each smiling at us
the mongolian cousin walking by beatifically
smiling that secret retard smile
the convention next door ended
i guess their plan was to have lunch with their matriarch
her pumps kept beeping
luodly
every 5 seconds or so
the nurse finally came
big momma tells me this kept her up all night
one of the visitors decides to move the heavy wooden chair on her way out for some reason
of course it bumps into big mammas bedjolts the new stitches
she sucks it up, eats her rage, which is why she had those two heart atttacks when working for MTV
the retard stays around for some reason
she doesnt even know where she is
lunch is served
big mamma is starving
eating for the first time in days
the converation next door gets louder
one of those gutteral throat clearing words
except its not speech
the retard apparently cant keep this strange american food down and is soon barfing in the trashcan on big mammas side of the curtain
this takes a minute or two
big mammas problem now is the same as mine with the nausea
i go to the nurse and explain the sitch
she tells the custodian who is right there cleaning 430 right next door but she is clearly unmoved
it doesnt even register
but she must be on the way, right?
me staring at her wont make her hurry
so i return
and big mammas face is getting redder and redder
the hormones that the womb used to regulate are now coursing unregulated throughout whats left of her body
shes talking with her hands now
i go back to the nurses station after calming her down by telling her i went for helpo and th custodian is involved and apologize for being to weak stomached to move the trashcan myself
are you fucking kidding me she says"
i go back to the nurses station
the custodian has skipped over big mammas room and now is on the other side in 428
i repeat my request for assistance to the desk nurse who then gives me a look
i explain that the patient has already had 2 heart attacks and is very uncomfortable by the puking retarded visitor and how many visitors do you get anyway and whdid they bring someone who clearly doesnt know where she is and id have got the can myself but then there would have been even more puke to clean up
the nurse say
"i guess you want me to go in DERE and get DAT?"
i say that would be above and beyond the call of duty
that shes sure to be the nurse of the year
and she theatrically puts on rubber gloves and removes the can at arms length to my effusive applause
thanks alot thankyou so much
the pump started beeping again during the regurgitation
big mammas going thru the roof almost
she hits the call button
explains its not her but the pump next door could you please.......
the pump apparently doesnt work to well when the tube is pinched
we find this out during the next half hour when the thing is going off every five minutes and the wait for a nurse is about three and its maddening
one of the visitors learns how to turn the pump off and me and big mamma complete the same thought

MISSION STATEMENT >> TWENTY ONE ONE EDITION

i do what i have to do to get the job done
trying hard not to have to work for THE MAN again
resolved to be the man instead of working for him
transformation time 2011
happy new year
old me, 20 10 has to hustle for bar owners to make ends meet
new years eve and day i work back to back for large piles of filthy lucre
i put in 24 hours on my feet in a 36 hour period and as a reult my ankles were large grapefruits
being the dynamic physical speciamen that i am

speciMAN,
all man, all the time
being this specimen
i, of course,
played two sets of tennis with young athletes
and my body was saying no no no
now the man i am is im amy winehousemanly whinehouse
i can live with that name
dignified bitching about physical complaints in song form

(to the tune of rehab)

"i tried to play me some tennis
my joints said no no no
i tried to chase a grenn ball
my joints said no no no"

still one of my favorite songs of all time

so i listened to my body and stayed off the ankle after the tennis and they're just about the right size today

THUS RESOLVED I WILL BE KINDER TO THIS AGING STEAMSHIP THAT CARRIES MY BRAIN AROUND
physicality shall be if not every day at least 2/3 days for this year of twenty one one.

I WILL LAUNCH THIS "NEWSIE PROJECT" before the SUPERBOWL, this becoming the man
I will sell a few opies of the thing every day until they are gone baby gone.

I WILL COLLABORATE WITH OTHER TALENTED INDIVIDUALS ON CO_PROJECTS as much as possil
ble

I WILL GET STARTED NOW