someone asked me for a poem and i complied


mid-afternoon
sweetness on the lips
gorgeous chocolate hotties
who seem interested in my story
i admire thier boxes
2 genrations of foxes
3 of us smiling at 3 in the afternoon

for some reason my flirtation is returned
i ignore the warning claxons and speak from my heart
about the ones that got away

a fantastically delicious treat melts on my toungue
the words true love

speaking of love in the chocolate shoppe
im oh so interested in their fine boxes
my buttons pushed
i become an entertainment machine
still adrift, post hurricane on lonely seas
i hear their sirens call
i paddle a little closer to hear the tune
dancing on and with the sea

i have no problem entertaining hotties
i have no problems at all
my life is simple because it's easier that way
not the ease of luxury
the ease of peaceful. harmonious life choices
which i am unafraid to make

there is a harmony in this soon to be closed sweetshop
harmony, dancing eyes, my bouts of shyness, smiles for days
happy is something i do everyday
this borders upon the ecstatic
so many things i could put into their lovely boxes

does talking and reasoning with an insane person put you into danger of going insane yourself?
or is this a vital survival strategy for living in this troubled age of ours?
should i gibber back at the crazy monkey on the bus?
or sit silently and endure the slings and arrows of outrageous ravings?
i can clearly see where these rants begin.
Im a product of this society too, ive ridden alot of the same rides and been exposed to the same interpretations of seminal events in our shared history. I'm sure that the planes that hit the towers were carrying some kind of magical jet fuel that burned a thousand degrees hotter than normal jet fuel, hot enough to melt steel as videos show molten steel flowing just before the collapse.
some of this magic fuel probably spattered onto building seven which accounts for its collapse as well, which didnt look anything like a controlled demolition or insurance fraud.
my bullshit detectors work
but i can see where a batshit crazy person might get their ideas
and i can probably steer the batshit crazy person a little farther into madness if i want to
thats the question that faces all creative people
do you use your powers of creation to make a positive change in the world?
or do you work for the forces of greed, chaos, and evil?
destruction is natural. death is life. we need a little more fear of death in this country. so if i push a psycho a little closer to his final psychotic break from reality, who is really hurt? we can all see that this isnt going to end neatly. why wait for the final shoe to drop from the millipede that lives upstairs. its getting late in the evening. that fucker has already dropped 998 shoes. what would be wrong with helping the last couple drop?
call me your local cut rate kevorkian
if i hear anyone with clearly suicidal ideation
the kind of person that is doing one of these passive aggressive "cries for help"
you know the type, the ones begggin for an intervention
wheres the turkey, i thought it was thanksgiving?
...nope its an intervention
heres your dinner jacket
let me help you tie those sleeves in the back
there you go
so in pahse one of this program i guess the logical step is too start at home and keep a fully stocked liqour cabinet at my apartment
that way if i take in any refugees from the street they can be sure that they can find a nice warm alcoholic coma anytime they want too
yeah
the power of creation
is also the power of destruction
im just helping nature take its course
a little push at the top of the stairs
it will sure look like an accident
thats the key
o my that's terrible
well. we could all see it coming tho
he was in a lot of pain
what a tragic sad case
what a terrible loss
those demons of his sure were hard to drown
now the voices in his head are truly quiet and he can get a much needed rest
he once was a good looking man...
he sure was
remember before he lost his mind?
im tired of living in the past
im a future oriented type of person.....
helping mother nature take her course since 1963

this is clearly a WORK OF FICTION, not the planning phase of any sort of -cide related word, thankyou, the author

I've been updating the ten links ^^^above^^^ and writing on paper.

If theres one thing that im sure of
its that the ufos disabled the nukes in the 50's
they still have a vested interest in this genetic experiment that we call life
they aint pulling the plug yet
we are so close to producing exactly what they are looking for
a race of savage, uncurious engines of destruction
locusts
to be dropped behimd enemy lines to ravish thier paradises
join the intergalactic republican army
drive your humvee thru the galaxy
and then there are a few weirdo freaks who just might attain enlightenment
so we are a mixed bag
and one way or another are going to pay dividends
before they discard this petri dish we call earth

Job Excellence, yet again

This is why i never actively chase work

it finds me

and at worst
im helpful
usually im helping write the guide for employee excellence
which is now the title of my latest book
well, one of them anyway

frequent readers will understand that i have about eight projects im working on with different people

anyone of which could soon overwhelm my free time

so it's important for me to maximize my freetime
that way i can jump right in the pool when called upon to do so
instead of asking alot of questions about the water
standing on the sidelines, inactive
jump right in
see what happens
im a man of action
so when the manayunk arts festival needed a bunch of security guards
my name was on the email list
and i was soon donning a florecsent orange vest
and issued a flashlight

heres a tip to bar owners
when its an first round womens soccer qualifying game
and you have people chanting USA USA
there may be some alcohol being abused on your premises
i KNOW it was a slow night
i KNOW they probably said "it's ok we are in the navy"
you may have even been impressed by their drunken respect for authority
it was an act
you bought it
you thought they would calm down....

lets look at who exactly chants USA anyways
its not hipsters, unless as an archly sarcastic visual joke
the kind of performance that loses energy quickly
as they are way too coool for school

how bout wrestling fans who loved to watch hacksaw jim dugan when he would Rassle the iron sheik or abdullah the butcher
Hulk Hogan picked up on this crowd pleaser and became an american icon
add to the list the fans of nascar and drunken football fans

who else?
a comprehensive list would take a few years
if anyone wants to send me some grant money to study these phenomenon and secretly enter the subculture, im listening
a grand a month stipend with recoverable expenses to be haggled over up to 500 dollars
hell if you act within the next few days ill go two months for you
the season is starting up i wont even mention my thoughts about mike vick to keep in character
BUT YOU BETTER ACT NOW

anyway
the chant is associated in the minds of the majority
that this type of nationalistic chant is a prelude to violence
or soon to accompany violence

im sure the calvalry was chanting "USA USA" as they rode into the Native American villages buriung and killing the old, the very young, the sick and slow of foot
women were raped before they were murdered to the same chant

when the same ones chanting now add "EFF U MEHICO" to the list of chants
and they try to enlist the public in chanting it as they walk by
because they smoke and are outlaws banned from proper establishments
banished to the sidewalks
these outlaws are a problem
so when they left the bar
i followed at a discreet distance
easily tracking their noise from behind the row of artist tents full of merchandise that were what they were paying me to watch
i was once again a tool of the man
at least til dawn
the manayunk arts festival has row of tents in the gutter on both sides of the street
i messed up when i left my book in the truck
easy money
just let them see that there's someone watching them
like a hall monitor in a middle school before the thanksgiving break

the patriots were pushing each other around on a handtruck they took from beside a tent and sill chanting
then there was a crash
i started running

i caught up to them but wasnt sure of who to chase
they knew i didnt see anything i was telling that there antics just got them in trouble
yeah we were just hootin n hollerin
for 2 hours, sure thats fine
we do that all of the time here in metropolis and superman doesnt say a word
he joins right in with us sometimes

then a witness is telling me that the guy in the blue shirt ran into a tent with his arms wide
mayhem in his manner
and he would help press charges because of how fucked up it was that he did that

i said this guy in the blue shirt and as i walked towards him his friends told him to run
he was barefoot so even at 280 i was easily pacing him for a block or so until he noticed me back there and accelerated
i saw fellow security guys at the end of the block and yelled blue shirt there blue shirt
they grabbed him easy and were holding him facing the wall as someone called the comps and our supervisor
his friends jogged over and satrted some street side lawyering
you didnt see nothing
what did he do
and hes telling us about being in the navy and being sorry and then they realize that someone called the cops and start telling the guy to run again so he does
this time i pace him from the other side of the tents and wait for him to come my way
turn the corner and boom
rugby high light film
but he tripped
and another security guard put a knee in his back to hold him as i huffed and puffed
and then a fourth security guy stomps him in the head
great
a broad in law school saw it and starts squawking
and suddenlu im the lead attorney ofor hitler in the bizarro universe
where his poison didnt work, it was a roofie, and he was easily captured
im trying to stop a riot before it starts
the law schoool broad is trying to do the opposite
and the corner is filling with drunken idiots with cell phones capturing the moment for posterity
NOW ON YOU TUBE
CLICK HERE

Mr Prosecutor, are you aware that the defendant, mr hitler had a series of terrible breakups with jewish women when he was in his teens?
that he once ALMOST put a little jew cap on his head?
that he sat shiva when her father died?

as i was trying to chill out the lawyer to be i also had to keep the witness around to talk to the cops and direct the search for the vandalized tent that sounded like a drum set being dropped down the stairs
a sustained tinny crashing with thuds and bumps

so im pretty sure i was the best security guard ever
now i can cross that off the list of
"things i wondered if i would do well but would
probably hate to do for more than 20 hours a week"
(even at a high rate of pay)
now with funny links
(links coming soon)

EMPLOYEE ACHIEVEMENT GUIDE, (Excellence Required) or E.A.G.E.R.
this is under the security guard excellence sub head
between nutritional components but after recommended literature

email to the rugbyteam concerning meat raffle tickets

im having an existential crisis about selling these raffle tickets for you guys
im a vegan now
and they seem to be lost

mine are definitely somewhere in my apartment
when i find them ill sell them

even if if its after the raffle
if its after the raffle they beome pure profit

but they will be lots harder to sell
but i will still sell them

on ebay
as valuable collectors items
im brokering a deal with ebay now......
this is assuming i am right about a few things

one the one thing being my fame being right around the corner
ahhh
il always remember you guys fondly....
theres always a beer around here somewhere....
if you need a party locust please invite me out sometime
i guaruntee that i will ravish all applicabe crops

the other thinf im right about is that meatwads brother shoud probably not roll up his seves
it aint intimidating
it was fun working security with him
he was better prepared for a 12 hour shift than i was
i brought energybars
he brought cigars
i brought energy bars
he brought a pint of burbon
i left my dope in the car
he left his credit card on the bar

i might be getting old
he reminds me aot of the type of rugby athlete i played with in college
when we'd break out the case of forties for man of the match
and there may have been some crystal involved at some point in the weekend

my point is rugby is changing
enjoy it while you can still run fast
slow rugby is bad rugby

ill sell those tickets al
but it may not be this week
keep up the humorous emails
peace



“One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.” -Bertrand Russell

--- On Thu, 7/14/11, Al Gary wrote:


From: Al Gary
Subject: One week left, spam (meat) almost finished
To: "Al Gary"
Date: Thursday, July 14, 2011, 1:59 PM


Salutations members and affiliates,

Meat Raffle is in a week!1!

So, there are a couple of new names to add to the ABC group (I hope they like coffee!)

Brian Boyle, James Brunson, Nick Glantz, Walt McNally, Greg Ambrogi, Dave Wolfgang

Now, Dave has by far sold the most (40), but Brian sold his first. Let the discussions continue.


(Only those in the ABC group get two names, everyone else hasn't earned there's yet)
In the - I'm trying to close, but haven't yet... group:
Ryan, Jason, Steve, Bill, Brian, Michael

Then there's everybody else, and these are the people that make me sad:
Joe
Tom
Jack
Chris
Dave
Andrew
Bobby
JC
Kyle
Dylan
Nigel
Michael
Doug *2
Thomas
Anthony
Frank
Gerry (excusable silence, will be there to conduct drawing)
Randy
Aaron
Josh
Harry (yeah, these might just be gone...)

I can understand you not leaping to respond, but your non-participation shall bring shame upon the good family name.

Regards,
Alfred Gary

EUREKA! (Part sic, cont'd)

The Masthead came to me as great ideas always do at four in the morning, sitting up in bed, suddenly sleepless with the racing of the brain and whatnot.

FINAL THOUGHTS-
Just a few loose ends to tie up before we reach the tipping point. Will that tipping point be the seven billionth human being to be born to this world in late OCTOBER? Who will that baby be? Baby seven billion has got to get the kinda media buzz that the friggin octomom got at the very least I would thin. I'm sure some public relations company somewhere is starting to bang the drum on this one.

SO what got the world's laziest writer out of be in the dark this time? The idea that I could generate one dollars worth of words in portable form and sell, sell, sell it to the good people of the city WHO ARE ALREADY CONDITIONED TO OVERPAY FOR A PIECE OF SHIT LIKE THE DAILY NEWS which you read in fifteen minutes on the bus and are left feeling dumber and dissappointed afterwards. Like a blowjob from a crack ho. It seemed like a good idea at the time, then shes gnawing at it and you are bleeding a little and you wonder about blood born illnesses for the rest of your days. Did that hoooker give me AIDS?

But wait. lets not get off track here.
The idea is a solid one, I jus didn't have the content together in a convincing enough manner. Lacked the balls to follow the idea through. Was a pussy, perhaps. Clearly lacking in follow through, butwhat else is new. So this is the manically written blog in which i exhort myself for the thousandth time to complete the damn mission already, to produce an artifact. The artifact you now hold in your hand, an amalgam. A patchwork quilt of whatever is running through my mind at this moment in history, what's pissing off the great intellect from the woods. The shaggy philosopher who sings
(with apologies to rodney king)
"work is for suckers, wont cha all sing my song? Work is for suckers can't we all just get along?"

A definition of terms is in order here. Work is a four letter word for a very good reason. But thats discussed on page three.

The shaggy philosoph from the woods urges you to take a look at you life and to fix the things that you don't like. Life should be fun. It is for Billionaires. It is for those of us in the world lucky enough to be born in a third world country and wondering where our next meal is coming from. Free Hallucinogens, pumped into your brain from goddesses above. You don't need to pay the man sixty bucks for an eighth of mushrooms that some entrepenurial frat boy at Drexel is growing in a dorm room closet. You want to trip? Do it the all natural way, like 2 Billion in the world do each week and start starving yourself to death. It's a fashion statement. You may just get a job as a top model. And I'm told by a crazy lady on my payroll that after the first three days its a breeze.
One of the great benefits to starving to death is that you don't have to wipeyour ass so often because you need to eat to shit. That's alot less shit on your fingers, alot less washing shit off your fingers, alot less smelling your fingers an hour later and still catching a faint whiff of it but being too lazy to do anything about it because the show you are watching on the boob tube is just getting good.....In short, starving to death is a great time saver. And speaking of savings! No more wondering where your paycheck went.y

epiphany

Boxes of doves, turkeys and chickens on the sidewalk appear to be bird condiminiums. Some people demand the freshest meat around, or maybe it's a religious thing. A voodoo outlet. For whatever reason they sit in their cages and shit on the sidewalk and mutter to each other in their bird lingo about this latest development in their lives. Except for the little brown rooster. he cried out at the top of his little bird lungs,
"It's Fucking Murderrrr!"
From the Rite Aid parking lot across the street you stop.
"It's FUcking Murderrrr!"
It can't be.
It sure sounds like that chicken is trying to tel me something. It becomes clearer with each repetition. This bird will not bear mute witness to the eminent mass murder of he and his fellows. He's sounding the alarm. You seem to be the only one to hear his cries for what they are. A miracle.
You refuse the voodoo priest offer to dress the bird and tell him you are od school and would like to do the bird yourself and he smiles knowingly. Soon you are walking down the street with a live rooster in your arms, but the motherfucker has stopped speaking English.
Your cats aren't that happy about your new roommate who attacks you all beaks and claws and fury whenever you ry to boil yourself a hotdog or eat a pepperoni. He starts up again.
"It's Fucking Murderrrr!"
And you get it now and have bean a vegetarian ever since.

zen laziness
laZENess
somewhere between contemplation
and spiritual emptiness
going with the flow
following the guidance of an unseen hand
resisting the impulses of the programmers
the warlords and soap merchants
as refreshing as it is the the secretary of state says that all governments lie
his candor wasn't news
the statement made barely a ripple
a blip, a blurb, a hiccup of truth
the truth is the best fiction
all governments lie, spake the high-ranking government official
did you check the rankings today?
you are up five points on the most important metric of them all
a mention on the worlds most important blog
the liar tells the truth at times to add credulity to his obvious untruths
verbal tae kwon do
like the catbird in the dogwood tree
which seems to speak all known bird languages
one right after the other

"parlez vous hussein
de nada
meow
shadenfruede
nom yoho rhenge kyo"
he posits
from the half dead ash
having had to reposition himself when a wren alighted near his perch
he's got important unmessages to relay
from the univeral unconciousness
waves of sound which counteract the hum from the idiot box
which defragment the interweb
establishing neural connections for those who can still hear
and this is how i spend my days
just listening
sipping on my nettle tea concoction
a liquid fast
nutrients from nature
indian tea plant, 2 varieties of mint
ill add some feverfew flowers into todays batch
maybe a handful of mulberries
turn this damn machine off and grab a book and some shade
swim some laps
and listen to nature

laZEN-ness
thoughts going where they may
no agenda
dealing with my gurgling stomach as i try this weirdo cleansing ritual
food fast
media fast
empty this vessel
change the fluids
change the inputs
breathe in
breathe out
go looking for the turkey later
the one that was following me around
the one that seemed unafraid of my mother as she tried to shoo him from the tomato plants
walking just out of reach
one turkey step away
muttering turkey thoughts under it breath
annoyed to be shooed away from the tasty baby lettuces

i was never the most graceful of dancers.
my enthusiasm was never in question,
energy levels as high as any in the room
grace, no
semi-coordianted i do well with accomplished dancers
ones who will mimic my pseudo-moves
my half-assed cabbage patch, driving the bus, shopping for groceries, bass masters, and of course the twist
but lately my shoes have been even more leaden
so i had to make a move and install dietary and lifestyle controls for the first time in months.
i alwaus seem to quit drinking in the summer
a nice echo from the summer of rugby
where i stopped drinking in april to get ready for summer rugby sevens and i was never faster or more clearly an athletic beast
a love machine
a force of nature
now just something i say to people who dare poke the tiger
now way in the past
15 years ago
dayum
im definitely past my prime
but im not happy with being part of Fat Nation
one transfat
under goo
with licorice
and fudge cake
for all of us

my transfat tis of the
sweet toothed O- Bes- it - teee
of thee i sing
land where the lard has fried
land of the chili fries
for every pancake fried
oooo- beeees -iitttt --teeeee

so thats the third musical number
the rest writes itself....

listening to some ludwig van and the melody is the same as a video game
his 2nd symphony in d major
and the game eludes me
gotta scour the web
those notes react with my dna
they reprogram my mind
recalibrating beauty awarness circutry
life seems less loathesome somehow...

me without a job is a happy me
so to stay happy watch how i cut my expenses
gonna live on my nut this time
new booze mantra

whats the relationship of booze and me?
if the booze ain't free, den none for me!

i will never buy a drink again
unless its out of my poetry fund
to celebrate achievements i may buy a drink or too
but they must truly be mighty achievements

THIS DOES NOT QUALIFY
i didnt drink before noon today!
ill drink to that, 3p.m.

try to go a week
resist the lure of sweet, sweet alcoholic oblivion
if i can go a week then ill plan when to celebrate that feat.

write a budget
stick to it
profit cosmically

ima just do me for a little while

i will come out of the wild once a week
the pikeville sasquatch has been reported to have been seen today in south philadelphia
this shaggy beast is known as the most insteresting caveman the world
if you see him buy him a beer
and tell him to get a haircut
this is the ad campaign i will do
just get me a camera and an agent
ill do the rest

im the missing link
im the next step of evolution

women flock to me
to try to get down on this obviously top notch proto-human missing link hybrid space alien dna having, rugby playing asshole writing mofo and gilf loving bro that youve ever seen
a spaceman fucked my mom at a concert
but they lost track of me......

my mom aborted me partially which took out the tracking device
when the hanger skinned my brain
as my dad frantically screamed not again you butchrr not again
before tackling my mom and knocking the hanger out of her hand as she stands in the bathoom foot up on the rim standing over a mirror and doing the home abortion kit

but i digress.....

women sense this champion jism and i have to stay on the run
sometimes im spotted in pikeville
sometimes in the woods somewhere
crossing the candian border at will
blending in the jungle like the predator

so i may show up in your town
bring your funloving grandmothers
im the host of the gameshow
AMERICAS HOTTEST GILF
hosted by that intergalactic fugitive saquatch version of
dr, richard kimball
welcome ot another worlds hottest GILG
i am your horny host and granny loving asshole
sasquatch bakeowski
my freinds call me sass
you can call me mr bakeowski

yeah i just give this shit away for free
hire me to write the rest of this shit
copius quantities of words congregate and collaborate to improve the word environment in your area
i will de- lullaby your lesson plans
i will defunkify your attractive grandmothers
im a helpful guy

The next exciting issue of Bloated Aging Asskicker is in the final stages of preproduction.
This Mission Statement officially commences the assembly of elders.
The Neanderthal Aging Asshole Communist Party.
We're Neanderthals, we are old, we share our talents with you.
This is the online edition.
This month in BAA history we have "don fucking juan" turning 4o and celebrating said event with a musical happening at the Barbary I think? I'll try to remember to look it up on the facebook device. Aging asskickers are suprisingly connected, though few twitter as of this writing. june 21st. two hardcore acts. photo shoot for aging asskicker magazine issue two, photos from this party, stories of the best after party, best after after party and you get the idea.http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=176491662404428&set=a.102856869767908.6102.100001307864024&type=1&theater

ok so i am behind schedule a little
but you dont rush art
ha ha ha ha ha

a hard deadline draws nigh
the end of the world
i got a pamphlet the other day
saying it was going to end may 25th or something?
proven in the bible
so if im going to get this shit done its gotta be soon
the current idea involves nesting covers
if im gonna sell shit on ths street i guess it wold be smart to have a few angles to work
one will of course be the end of the world angle
end of the world survival guide
recipies for the end of the world
25 ways to prepare cockroaches and jelly fish
rat sashimi recipies using native herbs
i keep thinking it writes itself, but it isn't
the thoughtstreams have been trickling though
maybe if i really am able to get my shit together i can have a second cover about the kentucky derby and gambling in general
theres a nice hard deadline, may 7th
only three weeks after the original deadline......

far enough in the future to be a possibility

time to stop talking shit and be productive
ahh.......... this old song,
i love this song,
the song of future progress
the song of accopmlishment at some later date in the future
time to get to it
the nabe has a printer that he says i can use...so id need to print up three pages a day to be ready by next monday to head over to the printer.....
i guess i have to call the printer and see if bartering is a possibility
Somewhere in PRINCETON

its serious time here at the worlds most important blog.
Im so "about business" that I will share with you, the gentle reader, the last cover letter I will ever need to write. I'm sure to find a job offer in my email box withing minutes, and my whole life will change.
There's an entertainment company that needs my services. I'm pretty sure from the vague way they described themselves that it is some sort of scam. especially the part about me having my own office. maybe its porn related, who knows? If it is the scammy kind of shit show i imagine it to be then I think ill take the job for purely comic reasons.

see now, THERES A REASON TO WORK, for the comedy of it.

im not motivated much by money, but humor is a motivator fo sho... so heres how my new relationship with work will start
i answered the criagslist ad with this sure fire winner of a cover letter. im probably going to be put in charge of this place rather quickly....

Hey-
I can sell anything. Your ad was just vague enough to spark my imagination. If you decide to hire me you are gettin an idea man. You are gettng an aging rock star, you are getting what used to be the main attraction who is now aging very well and still remarkably spry for someone that played rugby for over 20 years.
I was also a school teacher in the inner city and i was a bad ass at that job. Concurrent with the rugby, but prior to teaching I was a hot shot TGIF bartender who always had the whole bar cracking up because when the spotlight finds me I offer fine comedic value playing to the exact and specific funny bones of whomever my audience might be that evening.
I have been around the block long enough to be able to make a conection with just about any random stranger off the street which should prove a great asset for the many closings I will be doing in my very own office. Be warned that I will probably have sensational ideas about future events and maybe even enough talent to propose new and diferent ventures which your entertainment company can additionally profit from.
Enough about me. Why do I want to work for you? Who are you and what do you do? Try and get me excited about working for you and if you are successful your only problem after hiring me will be how to spend the enormus piles of revenue a true performance minded barabarian like myself can generate.
Thanks and have a nice day, I always do!

Resume and references upon request.

going to start pecking away at a new project on the side
when april 15th comes about i hope to have a little newspaper together
some resume type shit
you want a writer, heres what i do
sometimes with PUNKtuation
usually not
I AINT NO PUNK BITCH
rules of writing are not my bosses
clarity of thought is
i think more clearly when i just let the shit flow
if you see punctuation im probably editing
editing is work
work is for suckers
do you get me yet?

i do enjoy a comma or two tho
here and there

i was recently quizzed about my motivations by my lover
i was stuck
i have no idea why i act the way i do
i just follow the path of least resistance i guess
is that some kind of particle?
the least charged particle there
the whatever particle

she asks.....barely pausing between qustions

what makes me so angry all the time?
why do you feel that way?
i answer
questions about my feelings make me angry
they make me angry because i dont know why im so angry but i know that constant questioning about my motives makes me a litttle angrier every time

then shes probing into my feelings about my family
im prety sure everyone has them
but im not into therapy
ive never been in anaylsis
im evasive and i can see
"the waterboard" look in her
eyes
shes getting ready to blow
and another argument ends
me successfully lobbing in a grenade or two and then stonewalling
her trying to even the score and then pulling out historical references of the evils in harrys past
hey, gues what?
if your style of fighting is to dredge up the past
the less you know about mine, the less ammuntion you will have and the less damage you can do when you decide its time to hit me in the privates again
i dont care if you and your brothers fought loud and dirty
im not them
im embarrassed by loud and dirty
i think its a clumsy way to fight
my mom and dad fought that way over the last of the bottle of wine

i like logical arguments
formalized debate team stuff

i will futher show your behavior can quantifiably be characterized as inentionally
cunty with clouds of ignorant protestations


ill try this half planned writing madness

drops of blood on the sidewalk tell me im getting close to home
they spatter southwards
a droplet, ten paces,a medium droplet, twelve more, solar system, repeat
someone from my hood got socked in the jaw
i follow the trail for 7 or 8 blocks and i wonder
did my brother finally say what hes been thinking?
did he share with fellow bus passengers his unique world view?
did the patented crazy smile technique backfire?
..........a flash of true crazy.............
the technique, that instead of backing someone up,
enabled their own insanity?
a combustible cocktail of craziness that ignited on the 57?
we need bus bouncers
people to uphold civility
like sky marshalls
not on every bus
just enough that people get kicked of the bus for being aholes
especially when the schools let out
someone call obama
make the jerks walk off their adolescent energy

heading out into the world again to bring some beauty and humor to my fellow man
i am a giver
feb 13th, valentines eve, im going to read some 20 year old poems of heartwrenching poignancy
i talked a folk singer into coming
she may soon regret talking to me
she may also think its a blast
we may even show some of the grammies if some music head show up
im gonna do a little standup
i invited some other readers
we will see what happens
and people say i should get a job
pshaw
im probably going on the street for the money to publish this website into something you could read on the crapper
and sell it on the street as planned
if i borrow 300 bucks i pay back 39 a week for ten weeks
i gotta try to get the cost to 300 bucks and this is a GO BAYBEE GO
woohoo spring is coming
game on
the blarney is the site of the poetry between 3rd and 4th on south
we should start around nine

३० rock

they seem to have a whole lot of producers on this show. a few with very interesting foreign names. if i understand it correctly the executive producer is a cat with some cash who pays for things, theres a couple of them here. some of the rest of the producers are people who are padding their resume with production credits like alec baldwin is doing. the rest? who knows? i did notice an agenda tho. it seems to me that NBC is trying to make sure Hindus are well represented in their sit coms this year. I may have missed a story line or two, but jacks secretary is on and now the guys in the microwave lab. the hilarious hindus in the microwave lab that are too smart or busy or racist to talk to jack. and the racism is later laffed off when the delivery boy loks just like jack. subtle contextual message to leroy from podunk, don't get mad at the hindu who is rude to you. they are all incredibly smart and busy and you may llok like their delivery man. and they are funny too. just look at the hilarious goings on in bhopal where they have utsourced the novelty gag gift business. oh the hilarity jerome. your future wasnt in fake vomit anyway. tell leroy to put the shotgun down. these hindu fellers are funny fucks. at least one of the producers has a hindi name.....
probably just a coincidence
unless the hindi slavemasters (who at one time produced finely woven persian rugs with child laboer until the children went blind.) unless these titans of hindustry who then turned the blind kids into beggars or telemarketers for fortune 500 companies who save so much money by not paying americans
these titans of hindustry can invest in their own rigged stockmarket, they know, they do the rigging, so they buy a fine company like NBC who is in the bomb making business which will never go out of style as long as there are civilian populations to keep in line...
it only makes sense that owners then demand some representation in programming so that when they come over here to evict the now broke jeromes and leroys of the world the jeromes and leroys of the world have some sort of positive association by humor that these guys are funny fuckers like that tv show and they are ok....
this is why im calling for a new racist term
for capitalists
because capital is the problem
meet the new boss, same as the old boss, greedy and acquisitive.
yeah the type who think "i want more pictures of dead slaveowners in my pocket
that will make me the clear winner."
while, in actuality, it just makes you a bigger asshole
definition:
asshole- noun;anyone with a million dollars in the bank.

grapefruit

she had a tumor the size of a large piece of fruit within her womb
super mommy was soon out of the breeding end of things
she of the haunted house and of mtv
im not sure if she did a haunted house program for them or if she just did it all
she knows how to drop a name
shes very good at what she does
eveyone feels welcome in big mommas house
the world lost a bartending icon when big momma had to retire from the brunch biz
a few things i noticed from my visit to the haunted hospital
she was all stitched up
throbbing pain with every heartbeat
morphine derivatives making her itchy
her crazy namesake had already entreated her not to forget to complain about how weak the painmeds were....
to set the stage for more powerful prescriptions at the hospital checkout intervies....
her neighbors in the room were from asia somewhere
one of those places where it always sounds like someones choking on some phlegm when they are speaking to each other
they had a picnic nextdoor and brought their own dishes and silverware from home and used big mommas trashcan to clear thier plates
on her side of the curtain
four five visitors
each clearing a plate
each smiling at us
the mongolian cousin walking by beatifically
smiling that secret retard smile
the convention next door ended
i guess their plan was to have lunch with their matriarch
her pumps kept beeping
luodly
every 5 seconds or so
the nurse finally came
big momma tells me this kept her up all night
one of the visitors decides to move the heavy wooden chair on her way out for some reason
of course it bumps into big mammas bedjolts the new stitches
she sucks it up, eats her rage, which is why she had those two heart atttacks when working for MTV
the retard stays around for some reason
she doesnt even know where she is
lunch is served
big mamma is starving
eating for the first time in days
the converation next door gets louder
one of those gutteral throat clearing words
except its not speech
the retard apparently cant keep this strange american food down and is soon barfing in the trashcan on big mammas side of the curtain
this takes a minute or two
big mammas problem now is the same as mine with the nausea
i go to the nurse and explain the sitch
she tells the custodian who is right there cleaning 430 right next door but she is clearly unmoved
it doesnt even register
but she must be on the way, right?
me staring at her wont make her hurry
so i return
and big mammas face is getting redder and redder
the hormones that the womb used to regulate are now coursing unregulated throughout whats left of her body
shes talking with her hands now
i go back to the nurses station after calming her down by telling her i went for helpo and th custodian is involved and apologize for being to weak stomached to move the trashcan myself
are you fucking kidding me she says"
i go back to the nurses station
the custodian has skipped over big mammas room and now is on the other side in 428
i repeat my request for assistance to the desk nurse who then gives me a look
i explain that the patient has already had 2 heart attacks and is very uncomfortable by the puking retarded visitor and how many visitors do you get anyway and whdid they bring someone who clearly doesnt know where she is and id have got the can myself but then there would have been even more puke to clean up
the nurse say
"i guess you want me to go in DERE and get DAT?"
i say that would be above and beyond the call of duty
that shes sure to be the nurse of the year
and she theatrically puts on rubber gloves and removes the can at arms length to my effusive applause
thanks alot thankyou so much
the pump started beeping again during the regurgitation
big mammas going thru the roof almost
she hits the call button
explains its not her but the pump next door could you please.......
the pump apparently doesnt work to well when the tube is pinched
we find this out during the next half hour when the thing is going off every five minutes and the wait for a nurse is about three and its maddening
one of the visitors learns how to turn the pump off and me and big mamma complete the same thought

MISSION STATEMENT >> TWENTY ONE ONE EDITION

i do what i have to do to get the job done
trying hard not to have to work for THE MAN again
resolved to be the man instead of working for him
transformation time 2011
happy new year
old me, 20 10 has to hustle for bar owners to make ends meet
new years eve and day i work back to back for large piles of filthy lucre
i put in 24 hours on my feet in a 36 hour period and as a reult my ankles were large grapefruits
being the dynamic physical speciamen that i am

speciMAN,
all man, all the time
being this specimen
i, of course,
played two sets of tennis with young athletes
and my body was saying no no no
now the man i am is im amy winehousemanly whinehouse
i can live with that name
dignified bitching about physical complaints in song form

(to the tune of rehab)

"i tried to play me some tennis
my joints said no no no
i tried to chase a grenn ball
my joints said no no no"

still one of my favorite songs of all time

so i listened to my body and stayed off the ankle after the tennis and they're just about the right size today

THUS RESOLVED I WILL BE KINDER TO THIS AGING STEAMSHIP THAT CARRIES MY BRAIN AROUND
physicality shall be if not every day at least 2/3 days for this year of twenty one one.

I WILL LAUNCH THIS "NEWSIE PROJECT" before the SUPERBOWL, this becoming the man
I will sell a few opies of the thing every day until they are gone baby gone.

I WILL COLLABORATE WITH OTHER TALENTED INDIVIDUALS ON CO_PROJECTS as much as possil
ble

I WILL GET STARTED NOW

the idea is to print up alotta words cheaply and sell them face to face
something to read on the shitter or on the bus
something that recognises thoughts are fleeting and there are always more to come
ive got to round up 600 bucks to make this happen
and polish up some of the prose
i sure cant be selling "poetry" like the two under this post and get away with it
i need some meaty prose
the poetry experiment sounds like a summer thing
that will be june or something
time to stop talking about it and wrestle with the prose....
a grand wrestling match,
as i've never written an unintersting word in my life
my typing errors are better reading than most blogs
i gotta find six suckers to support the arts
100 bucks a sucker
so if you are a sucker
leave a comment at the bottom of this post and say HEY , SURE, you dont sound crazy at all mr scribbler of the blogs
what does the hundo get you?
A FRONT ROW TICKET TO THE INSANITY
every piece of output from here on down the line
free admission to live events
ill host an event for you
make you and me some cash somehow...
i met an event planner at the solstice bonfire
that frees me to commodify my ass
build some value to the entertainment franchise that is bakeowski industires

its a blizzard and its time to do these shrooms ive been saving
a killer at the bar told me i looked like a viking
plotting to burn english monastaries
i was just sitting there
being me
the killer had to testify or go to jail
about the warcrimes he committed
so i guess he knows looks
they gave him the option
prison
or testify
they said thanks for you testimony
no benefits for you
just following orders dint work in the late 40's
it dint work in the 70's
thanks 4 your service

the squirrel is frozen in flight
and frozen solid
a third of the way across the street
was he almost there?
or not even half way

his everflattening corspe is enigmatic

the road climbs where he sought his last nut
just a short dash across
and into the woods

hes a comet this afternoon
an ice tail has formed which reflects the sun
a brilliant glowing squirrel sicle

in life he was a pest who skittered in the crawlspace
a squirrel terrorist
who may or may not be chewing electric wires
risking barnfire
now he's art
his menace transformed into a glittering testament
rodent messiah
doomed to die epically
the headlines read
"Miraculous weeping Mary seen in ice formed by squirrel corpse, road closed until thaw"

Why is this the World's most Important Bog?
This is the world's most important blog because I can predict the futre. Fr example. Soon the conservative pundits will be all over Obama attacking him on his now secret, but soon to be revealed plan to make Medical Marijuana a big part of his health care plan.

BUT THATS NOT ALL......

The best way to fight the Al Queda would be to take thier funding away. They b uy their munitions and arm thier fanatic through the exploitation of our drug culture and the insane amounts of filthy lucre generated by this illegal trade.
Destroying them is SIMPLICITY ITSELF.

Grow poppies in the unwatered yet fertile fields of California. The soil has to be better than the soil in Afghanistan. Become the Number one Exporter of Opium in the world. China did it to us by way of England running the world. Now it's our turn, USA USA USA.

Next, use illegal immigrants that want to become legal to harvest the opium from the fields. Call them "patriots in training" and after they have served five years in the fields, grant them citizenship.....With monthly drug tests of course, we don't want to encourage junqies.....Scandanavia has alot less problems with hard-core druggies because they treat theis sicko's instead of imprisoning them......

The announcement that Obama is going to legalize pot will not be made until he has been re-elected. It makes sense. The country isn't ready for it yet and the howls of the dying conservative culture are still listened too in the less enlightened or more scareder of mixed racial heritage parts of the country and there are alot of them. What needs to happen is to send troubled inner city youth ou to areas of fresh air in an exchange program of sorts. Partner them with rural schools and the rural schools can send all their idealist dreamer types who just want to "help the poor". In this way there will be more mixed race children and everyone can get over it already. I suggest boffing someone as far from your color spectrum as you can so within a few generations we are all a sort of pleasing mocha latte'

Ok...
So racism is fixed, the drug problem is fixed, now we focus on crime.

Bring back the days of the old west, where all the tuff guys had side arms. there were alot less assholes in the west because assholes got bushwhacked. We are way over the carrying capacity of this planet already. We need to remove a few billion to be sustainable. this is a small and crucial first step.

Now can you see why this is the worlds most important blog? I thought so. I'm expecting a call anyday from the president to help implement these programs, but until then You can help me keep the creative juices percolating by donating to me when you see me. no amount is to large, or small. See, now i Gotta run and serve drinks to the rich and I may never be on this thought train again!!!! Thats why it is so crucial that I spend more time BEING THE NATIONS THINKTANK and less time asking "do you want a lime in that?"
send postal money orders to Harry Baker 321 reed st phila pa 19147 and thankyou for being part of the most imprtant blog in the world message of global harmony and love.
i love you guys...thats why im taking over the thinking for ya'll.
and if obama doesnt get it done i guess ill just have to run for president.
peace

I am embracing the creative energy which is surrounding me, and in truth it is a crazed energy, crackling, unpredictable, sparky. I don't know where I will wind up but this is where it started. I now have lyrics flooding my cranium, lyrics with an inflection and and meter, ready for the next time. As I walk the street Im swaying to the beat, but the beat is not coming out of a walkman or ipod, it's coming from some words that I'm tring to get to play nice together, in my head for their eventual release out into the world.

you words behave now....im not playing....get into that meter right now you hear me?

If you see me in the middle of the street, hands bopping out an invisible beat, it's not that I have gone all the way over the edge and am begging for change or washing windows to support my crack habit....thats years away, I may never explore that at all if I keep getting interesting ideas in my head like I've been getting lately.

And I think it's the same source that surfers talk about when they get all misty and it's the shit thats out there in the air waiting to turn into music, the cosmic vibe man, and maybe I am going crazy but at least im enjoying the ride. If you check the dates of my supremely weirdest blogs its on the same days as violent sunspot activity...im just doing what the sun god tells me to...in secret coded transmissons hidden in sun spots.

....so when a famous writer says "hell is other people", he is a genius, so witty and droll..i violently paraphrase the man and people leave the room saying "I can't listen to you when you are like this?" I may have given a little more detail about how to handle said hell and maybe giving explict examples was over the top but someone has to make the tough decisions...

Big, big things are happening in my mental environment these days and it's a very exciting time to be me. I'm dedicateing 2011 to being the me i was meant to be which is equal parts clown, entertainer, lyricist, and most of all friend of the earth. Im gonna hang out with the most creative and talented people who will tolerate me and see what kind of magic happens, find a groove or two.

I found a groove the other day with two very talented dudes and we recorded some shit and it was the most fun i've had with my clothes on in a hen's age. the positive energy was a welcome addition and im going to pursue as much of that as i can stand in the coming year.

This song is the my personal anthem for 2011.

I FEEL LIKE LETTING MY FREAK FLAG FLY!
I will not give in to the paranoia, and I will not fulfill some capitalists wet dream of what a bartender looks like by cutting my hair for his catering company. I'll probably put it in a ponytail just to keep the money cow producing milk and try to keep my sharpest ironic observations about the way he runs his business to myself because im paid to pore drinks and be polite and thats something i can manage to do six hour at a time every now and then....

hello...helpful hippy enterprises
how can i direct your call?
we can do that
how many heads do you need for the job?
book it

I hereby officially announce my pre-candidacy for Times Man of the Year, 2011. I'm going to grow into my cherished national icon staus slowly. grow into it. i started this blog crap out not capitalizing any but the last letters of a sentence, right before the period. i got tired of capitalizing even in this highly amussing way as i felt it slowed down my flow, my thought streams that the nation has come to cherish as they wades in my thoughts and cleanse themselves.
I didn't capitalize as a protest towards my lack of Capitol. I was sticking it to the man as I worked an incredible arrya of shit jobs for money. That's the name of my work advice website that I plan to start on as soon as I finish up here at THE WORLDS MOST IMPOTANT BLOG. (now with hints of editing at the beginning of the thoughtstreams)(then i tend to drift)

It's important to me to transcribe as faithfully as possible where this muse is floating me on these thoughstreams. Streams of hope and a potential future, much different from the angry rugby players bitter words of heartache. after all the waters are attracting an ever growing wading party. im working on buying a bus so we can update the merry pranksters...

so i started this song about the wading party

and ill start that first few chapters of that project when the muse sings those melodies to me
im thinking old time with banjos and maybe my neices violin
i need a violinists
we have a couple guitarists
maybe ill try the banjo out

soo i start this song with the intention of other musicians adding verses
once the chorus is woked out that is

i wrote this song about it
just need a few musicians to work out the arrangement with
"come to the wading party,
were hanging at the creek
come to the wading party
it lasts about a week.
strong coffee kills the hangovers
its usually on by five,
theres work to do 'fore wading
and naps to sneak off to..."

ok so the song is started
maybe i should write a song a day too
its not scatterbrained if it evolves into something
i made ZOMBIe BUKOWSKI happen didnt I?
ive left footprints
evidence of insanity
evidence which i should print up and present to the nice people at social security so i can live the dream of liing in the greatest welfare state the world has ever known
let some republicans buy my beer for me
they like that shit
republicans
yeah ill refer to it as my genius grant in better company
and laff about sticking it to the man when im hanging with the anarchists
this will be a year of productivity and what i am producing is merchandise baby
to sell..ill put it on ebay, each item attatched to an artifact
like the first item up for bids
a beer bottle full of delusional poetry
i have a notebook the i wrote in and see if you can tell when the exactly i turned schizophrenic when i wrote these poems because they really seem to be coming from two distinctly deranged people who from time to time take up a pen and write ....

some of these poems are in small notepads, ill rip some fresh raw poetry out of AN ACTUAL POETS ORIGINAL NOTEBOOKS and you can fetishize it however you please...
wait for my line of collectible wearable poetry clothing ill sew the TWIMB LOGO INTO EACH GARMET by hand and it will be accompanied by a thankyou poem called thanks for buying my shirt, gee

its a hip hop number
OLD SCHOOL
thanks for buying my shirt gee
pockets are empty of my dough man
i ride thru the ghetto on the trollies
enduirng racial atrocities
because im the man that tried to teach little nigger kids their mother fucking ABCS
yeah I said it
got to give myself a tiny bit of credit
not alot of people have earned the right to said it
so you tell me
tee shirt buying gee
i did ten years with kids their fathers couldnt fucking stand
smart mouth punk ass always tearing up my class
i play rugby bitch
meaner than a snake
but those ghetto ass kids gave me more than i could take
urban terroists second to none
but one on one they all run pussy run
you ever try to keep 30 after school?
IM MR RUGBY a physical fool
i held back thirty till the one kid grabbed the door
i put my feet in the doorway and wedged my elbow in
and thity motherfuckser started bum rushing me
i held the fuckers back
but no one had my back
i had to let them out when the girls ribs started to crack
she was in the front
they crushed her into me
then the fucking principal started yelling at me

so yeah you heard the fucking word i said
in the belly of the beast

that my life was a waking nightmare
didnt bother me the least
i had mighty things to do and was strong as a beast


now i sit here and gotta take some shit on trollies
please
your thoughts are a disease

in the belly of a beast
named for some old racial hero to inspire these twisted freaks

twisted freaks
twisted freaks
they super freaky YOW



thats gotta be worth at least a case of beer there
thats art right there
i gotta find a way to market it to millions of republicans children
get back at the man by subverting the minds of his children through my new series of childrens books that baldy mis state the accepted facts of the day

you think its bad your kids sing tupac lyrics?
wait until the fukker is singing bakeowski

its time for the percolator
its time for the percolator
are you ready for the percolator?
when the shits humming in my head like it is now life is a wonderful experience
alive with possibility
i cackle daily, madly, embracing the mania
the fun side of this mental moodswing machine
i also enjoy the dark and horrible thoughts when they come
at least i say i do.....thats my story and im sticking to it
i will not apologize for trying to sell my words, this is my job man, its what i do
so i googled the old band i used to semi stalk back in the ninties when i was a happening fella
a fella with a future
a big city school teacher with a car and a mortgage
nothing like some great music to get your head right music is my drug of choice, my fisrt option which is why i react so strongly to terrible music
terrible music, like bad acid, can ruin your day
june rich is the band and they have been defunct for more than a decade
but they did things right, hired three great musicians to back up the songbirds
turned them loose every now and then and the harmonies and lyrics really hit me where i live. they have one ditty about not getting out of bed, "dont ring my bell,...dont call my phone" there isnt gona be an answer... where the day starts out and she calls out of work and another great one about honey.
I stopped drinking about eleven thirty as someone had to drive the band back to Philly from Pittsburg. I danced alot of the booze out and slugged back some gas station coffee and was good to go. The songbirds were tired from the show and went right out as soon as we hit the highway. The boys in the band didnt last much longer and it was me, some tunes and the highway. The Allman Brothers made some damn fine travelling music and soon I was testing the limits of the bands brand new van. It's mostly downhill from Pittsburg to Philly and I gave her all the gas she would take. The middle of the night is the perfect time for this and it soon took on aspects of a video game whose goal is to keep the speedometer needle pinned and avoid the red lights of other night travellers.
Aerodynamically the van shares many properties with a cinder block. Cinderblocks take their time when changing directions. The van liked to take turns a little wider than the lines would allow, but we mostly stayed off the shoulder. the shoulder is bad news at the rate of speed we were travelling, but cinderblocks are notoriously stubborn, inertiawise. The gravel pops up and you start a little slide and you could be at the bottom of the mountain for days before they find you. But I had god on my side and it was not our time to make peace with the maker. In high speed driving you really should make your intentions clear to the other tired middle of the night drivers. You definitely don't want to surprise a drunk and deal with his issues as well as your own so a real key is making your intentions clear and obvious. Like a comet we whooshed our way homewards. Soon it was a race with the sun.
It's important to have goals. The reddening sky ahead gave me an obvious mark to shoot for. People say the trip takes 5 hours if you aren't afraid of getting a speeding ticket but we were looking at 3 and a half. Reckless? Wreckless. I was in a driving zone unlike any other. I was the pilot of a shuttlecraft dodging through an asteroid field pursued by Romulans with bad intentions. Sometimes you just know that you co-piolt is a diety of some sort and that nothing bad will happen to you in their halo of joy and lightness. We were all to pretty to die. Except for lead guitarist, Mr. Allan James, his looks are an acquired taste. Its due to the intense concentration he brings to his craft. He is chaneling fsome next level muses up there and they use him up and ride him hard but its worth it when he manuvers that skateboard full of swithches and cables with his foot while the magic pours out of the speakers. And the songbirds are clearly some gods choir and he wasn't ready to take them back just yet to whatever universe of harmony they came from.
I was clearly and instrument of someones master plan that night

"Dexter, Get Down!" are words no heterosexual man has ever uttered until just now. History has been made. Or has it?
"Bad kitty no no nooooo."
So the new tenant must be seriously gay. Which is a shame, because it smells like he smokes some fine herb in there, across the hall and down seven steps. I was wishing for a new "bud buddy", not a new buddy of the butt, if you know what I mean, hmm, hmmm, hmmm.
Life is funny that way, throwing you just enough rope to hang yourself with. but the question is will the rope hold this time? Twisting in the wind one day, exultant the next, this roller coaster mood swing lifestyle is not fot the timid.
You really have to try hard not to get jobs, gebius that you are. You are the most qualified slacker in the city my man. It feels like writing is becoming my job, all I'm hinking about ths imonth is words and cards. Sorry ladies, soon I will blossom, possibly before spring.....
but anyway if words are how i spend my time then id better be creating a product other than this fucking blog now hadnt i?
Watch me sink into a morass of intoxicating beverages and smokeable luxury. This is life the way I want to do it. Watch me stupfy my once brilliant mind for you, my imagined audience. I imagine I could sell alot of newspapers in a bar somewhere until they told me not to anymore......but then maybe i find a bar that wants the notorious drunk writer guy to drink at their bar...which is HOW WE GOT TO PAGE THREE...
My drinking schedule.....i'm posting up at the following establishments with these particular drink specials.....

blue dreams

the WMIB is about getting me paid...dance monkey dance

this dance is about paying my rent without degrading my soul
its been denigrated enough by any number of parties
parties who would poke the wounded tiger
you better finish me off if you decide to join the poke parade
ugby didnt kill this tiger
neither did the booze
a school full of haters made me stronger
they soon saw things my way
i thrive in crappy conditions
fungus like
i turn shit into gold
im not waiting for the gold markets to open up for me
im putting 20 pages of gold out as soon as i can put my hands on 600 bucks to print it up
ill handle distribution
ill handle marketing
just give me a product to sell
ill sell your booze for you and dance a little while i do it just because it seems natural to me
but not as natural as being the man in the yellow hat is
the man in the yellow hat who instructs the monkeys in their dance steps
im moving up the preschool food chain
its there for all you monkeys to absord
how do you think it becomes a cultural icon?
its the instuction manual of the overlords
they are the next step up from the man the yellow hat
they gave the man the yellow hat to represent the sun above who is the overlords particular diety
the overlords had a great time back in egypt with this form of worship
until the sun god was replaced by the still more powerful green god
the sun god tried to burn out the green
thats why the pyramids are in the desert
but this is all next level shit
next level shildrens books
explaining the childrens best seller list to you in terms of subjugating factors
like in the little engine that could
thats what hit me
thats what i use
and thats why this is the worlds most important blog (TWIB)
TWIBBER
he twibbered me
means to reveal
written by the worlds least important blob
i dont give a rats ass about me
im a vehicle for bacteria
they really run the shit, with the greenies
all of our vaunted organs are just masses of cells
my brains cells are just a bunch of dudes that want to chill out
single cells with a purpose
we are sure what turns them on and off as in a stem cell which can be anythng it wants to be
i am a human stem cell
i can do it

but they are
which is why im not running the world
i could if i had to
check my dna
i know im related to some trippy motherfuckers
they take over this keyboard and spew shit
they are the ones the computer people should worry about
which is a catch phrase that the computer people search for in their algorythms
i just stepped into their trap
but maybe they are stepping into mayan

liver cells i am going to need your help soon
process you bacterial brothers who fermented these hops and grains
who gave their life to use so that we may buzz this evening
the buzz which is really the brians going boozy wake
see ya later
the brains aztec leaders sacrificing some more virginal goddess cells
with every sip of beer a few more goddesses meet the sharp steely knives
a tribute to the far away bothers who turned this beer into the sacramental liquid that it is
sacred beer
the church of the sacred intoxicant
CSI SOUTHPHILLY
Diunnn doiunnn
today we are enjoying some pbr some blue dream and a small amount of hash
now a word from our sponsor
the church of the sacred intoxicant
not quite toxic
but fun to dance with death again
sorry officer I was poisioned!
you dont have to tell him you poisosned yourself
osshhiferrr i wash poishonned
order your csi south philly shirts from THIS LINK FOR SALE
thankyou for buying this idea rag, this month or rambling bullshit about possibility
this 20 pages of slightly steamed words
words that retain their cripness with a touch of proofreading and a dash of visionary editing
it is with great pride that i bring you the inaugural edition of BLUE DREAMS
well maybe thats this chapter....
i also like the name ARTIFACT because im producing low grade testaments to the collection of cells in my brain that form my brain, new ones added all the time
you can be one of my brains cells for the low low price of 50 dollars a year which entitles you to the first look at the shit that i recently starteed thinking to do with what you will
it will get you the famous bi weekly rambling email that the rugby team still sometimes gets
it will get you a years woth of artifacts,
this is the nuts and bolts of the artifact experience
this is the money back warranty
this is the legal page
my brain knows what you need in a magazine
a mission statement
a page of legalese shit
some ads
a table of contents
said content
the cash to print the shit
the will to sell it
you want to see my balls world
heres the kinda balls i have
thanks for purchasing my product

my self help book is going to be called
my asshole boss is my reflection
following your dreams for lazy people

take as many shit jobs as you can stand
learn how people operate in the world when they want money
imitate their actions until your soul starts to scream
ignore the screams for a while because the money or benefits are good
the half year you spend in hell is worth the weekends you arent in it
the ones who fuck with you, people you dont destroy because you are working,
the parties you miss for one reason or another
i miss just as many parties now that im broke parties i cant get to because im flat broke
id rather be to broke to go thatn have to be somewhere else
i can go out broke
goin out on no budget
the womans guide to drinking for free everywhere
beerslut.com
this is just 2 of the businesses you can be a part of creating by supporting the artist you see in front of you
on the street
offerings in his had
ill write a page for new standup comics to use in their acs
a series of funny vigettes and ill demonstate the techi=nique
the harry method of comedy
harry inc
modern comedians.com
we share our killer material with you
secrets of great comedians could be my book title
whats you secret steve?
are you related to someone?
your secret was to play the banjo
so i need to steal your act
secrets of great comedians..1.get a banjo...
2.call yourself a jerk...
3.be wild and crazy...
4.be related to someone rich

my richest relative, my friend in show biz, my mentor,

im my own mentor...how i succeeded in turning shit into cash the harry baker story

the world wants me broke so i can think of ways to save it as i try to save my ass from menial labor
to save my ass from the horror of mediocrity
time to ebrace/create some tangible greatness
which is what you have in your hand
my latest resume
how a genius spends his day words to the young on future happiness bakeowski

that was easy... 1.

time for me to start selling my words to strangers, alot of strangers cause my prices are so low they are insane....literally....or was that insane prices that are supposed to be low....i forget which....ill play crazy for money for one year starting now with tonight top secret poker game....it costs 40 to get in and theres food and beer....rebuys are available and its always an intersting crew at the table....theres the young cop from the neighborhood...the bookie on and off the phone...the side of beef who owns the bar....the pizza guy...the construction worker the electrician the firemen...they are all getting alot better at poker since i started out there...the games getting tougher and tougher..
but i am still the poker king of the block,
top of the heap,
haaaay number one...
these country boy blues
are sure here to staaaaayyyy
i cant stand this fucking place
filthy philllllyyyyyy

i want to wake up in a city
that doesnt smell like feet

sung to the tune

sing it in philly and then tell horible jokes about sinatra being a homosexual
a raving queen he and sammy in a gay love triangle with rock hudson none of them knowing that this was where aids was invented in the sanatoum of hudsons butt cheeks on an especially promiscuous weekend.....
who wants to write this movie with me?

sign up up in the comments section and we will brainstorm soon
tonight i have to go play cars for money
i treat the game as a job
just like i treated rugby when i played that
just like when i was at the top of my teach game which i was when i started in 1993 coming right out of the box, rookie of the year shit doing wonders with the numbers of the writing scores. It was a period in my life when i got results because my team was strong and supportive
i need a support team around me
with a little support i can do alot of interesting things
of course the 12 years i spent in college were pretty fun too as was the dc restaurant scene each issue is content heavy in one domain....start one magazine every three months.......get it out....get paid for it do it again next month.....
in 90 days a magazine can be written edited formatted......
but i gotta stop giving it away for free on here dont i?
i need to make some artifacts so people can leave them lying around
thats why at the bottom of one page it will say im robbing this bank and if someone leaves it in a bank that would be wrong or would it be funny?
so this i guess is the first page of the valentines day issue dedicated to love, ive asked some of my talented friends to submit a piece on love
then at the release party for the issue we are having a show so i gotta start setting a date in advance and securing the place which ive done before havent i
ok time to start planning.....



t

I was in the mood for some songbirds recently so I headed over to The Fire to catch what looked to be a nice gathering of them.
Opening up was Laura C. She was everything you want in a singer/songwriter, rich voice, soulful lyric of loves lost and was just getting good when her set ended. That's the thing with four band shows on Wednesday nights, it's a wham bam type of affair, but this woman is definitely worth a listen again and i'lll try to catch her whole songbook one of these days. Her website is http://www.myspace.com/lauracinrecovery.
Sometimes a little is all you really need. Sami the great was the next act up and she had a really nice voice and a very full schedule. I think life needs to kick her around a little more and after a few years of that maybe she should pick up a pen again. Live a little, try some pain, get back to us. Great voice though. Kind of classless to be at the back of the room having your loud converation with your guitar pal from New York and mini entourage during the sound check and then ducking out the second the music starts. Goes to show that women aren't naturally more supportive or maybe it was a weird diva-esque civil rights gesture? Weird.
Up next was Attia Taylor. If you like Xylophnes and accordian music then the this is the band for you. She has a unique delivery that perfectly accents these quirky instruments. At best her songwriting successfully captures a nice party energy on a song or two, but I think that after the novelty wears off you are left with a special kind of headache that only can be arranged via xylophone. It's the perfect storm of quirky up there and what happens, unfortunately, is that all the quirks seem to cancel each other out. I appreciate the efforts at novelty but a little of this goes a long way. Her and her band are like ninjas, in and out, no messing around, maybe they had another gig somewhere, good for them. Oh, theme night, I get it now...See what I'm talking about at http://www.myspace.com/attiataylor
Last up is a two person combo, Little x Little who saved the evening with several clever turns of phrase and a very interesting stage presence. It's possible that these are the two shyest people in the world or maybe it's just an act, I can't tell, but it doesn't matter anyway, stick with it, it worked. There was some uneveness to their performance, but it is to be exppected as they just started in August. When they nail a song they nail it. There were a couple of real lyrical gems up there and their blog is actually worth reading. http://little-x-little.com/blog/
Who knows what will get me out of the hovel next, but when I get out I will share my experiences with you here at THE WORLDS MOST IMPORTANT BLOG, I couldn't say it if it wasn't true~!

Black Landlord just keeps getting better. I heard the rumors and they are true. The lyrics are better than ever. One about waking up curled around the toilet in the morning "i must like it cuz i keep doing it" and multi-lingual flirting are highlights of the newest songs for me. They take the flirtation to the next level when they sing "let my lips do the talking" and there is mention of naked curves and the best thing I think is that every word counts in this song. There are no slacker words, a picture is a painted, a hottie is hopefully wooed and you are along for the ride.
They have tapped into a great well of energy, feeding off the crowd and then returning the energy soulified. What other band feeds the hungry like they do?
Who else proves their love for the hip hop inhabitants like the LORD? where else are you dancing with a crazy pickle man, playing volley ball with roller girls, quenching your thirst with the finest local beers and hanging out with Philly's favorite philosopher and sprit guardian Fergie?
The day started out with AZN north phillies most dangerous Cambodians and they made people leave the shade to bop their heads in the sun which is saying something when it's 90 out. 130 is a tough time to rock, but they did. 2:00 is more of the same, but Steve-Onpoint and the one party system were also up to the challenge. Here was another performer who oozed belief, like the LORD was later to do, he was bouncing up and down with ever beat, jammin air guitar right along with the band and again bringing peeps into the sunshine. The energy was to continue all throughout the day and it was almost like the sixties up in that place with modern day hippies carrying on the traditions of the flower children, albiet dressed a bit more cleanly, this is northern liberties....
I caught a few songs from at your service and they play their instruments the way you are supposed to play them, loud, kind of a wall of noise, but don't call it jazz because they dont like that.
There was an intersting band with three initials that were also lyrically fun with just the right amount of guitar noises and the fellows playing "get your shackamax on" got the girlies dancing and twirling and did a great job. But I'm not a professional reviewer, I do this for giggles, sorry if I didn't shout you out but the volley ball was very distracting and there was an air conditioner and a phillies game and ukranian women who think im sexy, so.
The LORD looked like the genuine article this summer evening. You feel a destiny about them, their shit is tight and getting tighter. Al was a force of nature, I think I saw him percolating at one point, bouncing around like a mad man and adding his distinctive bark to the tracks. I've never seen him better, the whole band is peaking on the vibe in the air that this shit is for real. The unemployed guitarist brought out some tasty licks and some pornographic guitar meets railing shit that was definitely NC-17. The horns on some of the new tracks are startlingly F-I-N-E. You kinda are used to how great the sound is on your old favorites, but the new shit was like what? Wow. And they finally seem to have come to terms with the fact that "Mea Culpa" is a party anthem. I'm telling you now they are onto something, they have the tiger by the tail and are flinging him around right now. If they are approaching the studio as professionally as they did this show then we are in for some reall tasty ear candy in the near future......

Someone handed me a coupla CD's thinking they were worthy of the considerations from THE WORLD"S MOST IMPORTANT BLOG.

Steve-onpoint is a Goatbeastie, the bastard hybrid of some drug fuelled barnyard coupling between the two most verbally dextrous groups from the region who everybody loves and saw and tells friends about how cool they were back when they saw the dudes live when they were blowing everyone's minds. He even somehow arranges a mini Goats reunion on the third track of his FREE cd "Cliche". Part of the reason is to avoid lawsuits and the other part is to just get his shit out there so the people can hear what he can do. Be warned. The shit sticks to your brain.

He's added layers upon layers to these tracks which should come with a written source material list because you are going to go crazy trying to remember where you heard some of these samples from especially if some of your memory problems are from california presciption grade medications.

"Cliche" is alot of fun and I think saves it's best track for last when he goes all Barry White on us and does some love music about sharing someone's ass with a couple of friends...to paraphrase a local wordsmith "if my boy steve's got it then we can have it, he's got it got it," He does politcal stuff, badass stuff and is so sensitive to his fellow man that he even apologizes to imagined cellmates who may think hes the bee's knee's with a firm but polite no. (Which seems to contradict the first track which claims he will wear his pants at half mast on the corner in order to get shit done, but hes an artist and maybe hes using some fancy slang that im not hip to or something)....Also im a huge fan of his little ditty about DUI.
Anyway.....it sounds like he and his crew had alot of fun putting this project together and it is the kind of mind stimulation that you don't get much of in these days of sanskrit raps. He even references the secret Reptiles who run the world and thats just the kind of educating that this country needs.
Then I listened to his "One Party System. Now I want to punch Steve in the face. The first track seems to be directed at government officials who don't know how to spell his name. I'm guessing the Drivers Licensing people. (now the hyphen)
Then he starts kicking ass and taking names.
The punch in the face is for the track about whatever the fuck "ricky bo bo say vitch" is. He says he will let the rap define it and gives you ciphers and half answers. So you hit repeat and try to really listen to it because, by now, you really want to know who or what Ricky Bobosayvitch is. And then it's stuck in your brain. And then you ask someone what it means and all you get are blank looks. He is soooo enjoying a complimentary knockle sammich.....
Real hip hop shit, lyrical nuggets and flashbacks, fun and serious all at the same time, this was time well spent and both are great additions to my shuffle.

NOW HIRING- Do you respect your elders? Do you follow orders? We are a brand new niche company hoping to expand dramatically once the Universal health care plan kicks in and are looking for the right people to fulfill the demanding requirements of a elderly death camp guard. These old people are going to beg you for a kidney, expensive medications and fancy wheelchairs. Your job will be to ask them what their number is again and to tell them to wait patiently and quietly for their number to be called. Quietly is the most important part of the programme as we don't want alot of squalling elders out there. They get to panicing each other, then all hell breaks loose.

Why is this the World's most Important Bog?

This is the world's most important blog because I can predict the futre. Fr example. Soon the conservative pundits will be all over Obama attacking him on his now secret, but soon to be revealed plan to make Medical Marijuana a big part of his health care plan.

BUT THATS NOT ALL......

The best way to fight the Al Queda would be to take thier funding away. They b uy their munitions and arm thier fanatic through the exploitation of our drug culture and the insane amounts of filthy lucre generated by this illegal trade.
Destroying them is SIMPLICITY ITSELF.

Grow poppies in the unwatered yet fertile fields of California. The soil has to be better than the soil in Afghanistan. Become the Number one Exporter of Opium in the world. China did it to us by way of England running the world. Now it's our turn, USA USA USA.

Next, use illegal immigrants that want to become legal to harvest the opium from the fields. Call them "patriots in training" and after they have served five years in the fields, grant them citizenship.....With monthly drug tests of course, we don't want to encourage junqies.....Scandanavia has alot less problems with hard-core druggies because they treat theis sicko's instead of imprisoning them......

The announcement that Obama is going to legalize pot will not be made until he has been re-elected. It makes sense. The country isn't ready for it yet and the howls of the dying conservative culture are still listened too in the less enlightened or more scareder of mixed racial heritage parts of the country and there are alot of them. What needs to happen is to send troubled inner city youth ou to areas of fresh air in an exchange program of sorts. Partner them with rural schools and the rural schools can send all their idealist dreamer types who just want to "help the poor". In this way there will be more mixed race children and everyone can get over it already. I suggest boffing someone as far from your color spectrum as you can so within a few generations we are all a sort of pleasing mocha latte'

Ok...
So racism is fixed, the drug problem is fixed, now we focus on crime.

Bring back the days of the old west, where all the tuff guys had side arms. there were alot less assholes in the west because assholes got bushwhacked. We are way over the carrying capacity of this planet already. We need to remove a few billion to be sustainable. this is a small and crucial first step.

Now can you see why this is the worlds most important blog? I thought so. I'm expecting a call anyday from the president to help implement these programs, but until then You can help me keep the creative juices percolating by donating to me when you see me. no amount is to large, or small. See, now i Gotta run and serve drinks to the rich and I may never be on this thought train again!!!! Thats why it is so crucial that I spend more time BEING THE NATIONS THINKTANK and less time asking "do you want a lime in that?"
send postal money orders to Harry Baker 321 reed st phila pa 19147 and thankyou for being part of the most imprtant blog in the world message of global harmony and love.
i love you guys...thats why im taking over the thinking for ya'll.
and if obama doesnt get it done i guess ill just have to run for president.
peace

Wherein I set up during the local artiste's festival and virtually panhandle, huckster, sell people on the belief that they are immortalized forever on the worlds most important blog.

A showcase for monetization of my rampant people skills and charm in an effort to build the HARRY BAKER FRANCHISE by engaging with others who may find themselves amused by me and want to be a part of this ENTERTAINMENT JUGGARNAUT.

Here's the hustle.

Me and a flat surface in the middle of the Fringe Festival. A scavenger of the arts. A seagull, cawing to the world, sharp eyed and looking for a little support. Supprt the arts in a tangible way, by giving me money, or a beer, a cup of wine. I will IMMORTALIZE YOU FOREVER on

THE MOST IMPORTANT BLOG IN THE WORLD

One dollar/unit of beverage consumption will get your name or nickname on this and you will be able to amaze your friends and impress members of whichever sexual clique makes your groin ache with longing.
In addition you will also be immortalized with a pithy saying about some manner of your character, appearance, soul, vibe, demeanor or sexuality that will be recorded unitl the end of time on THEMOSTIMPORTANTBLOGINTHEWORLD. TMIBITW tim bit dub timbydub
And you will be one of the few people in the world to know what Timbydub means. Part of a secret society.
SO if you want to be registered FOREVER as "the hottest chick on second street" on TIMBYDUB get your hot litttle ass over to the Fringe and find me.
Then you can put that on your curriculum Vitae for the world to see
Registerd as hottest girl on second street on THE MOST IMPORTANT BLOG in the world.
but not if its raining.

Maybe its a sliding scale.....
yeah, definitely a sliding scale
caveat emptor and all
if you want top props you gotta pay pops
yeah thats me
pops@themostimportantblogintheworld.com
coming soon
^^^^^^^email like the above^^^^^^^^
THAT JUST HAPPENED!